Feed me back: why to give it, take it and love it.

Sit tight, here comes the story:

Lila had long been collecting tough feedback, hearing comments like:

"You’re very bossy when you want something, hein?"

"Josh did so well in last month’s sales performance, but I didn’t see your numbers matching his this month."

"You sounded kind of emotional when Kevin disagreed with your point of view in our last team meeting."

"The discussion about the project escalated today when you were a bit aggressive with Paulo after he criticized your idea."

"You might want to be less direct in meetings; it can come across as harsh."

"You look too young for your position."

"Are you sure you can handle this project with your family responsibilities?"

As the feedback cycle began at her organization this year, Lila feared some new version of those comments might show up. But this time, she was ready. Instead of simply internalizing the feedback, letting her anger simmer, and trying to fit into a mold of what was expected of her as a woman, she decided to challenge it.

For years, she had accepted the idea that she had opportunities, and she was committed to improving herself. But over time, the pattern became clear. Most of the feedback, whether from male or some female coworkers, was rooted in systemic biases related to her gender.

The feedback often centered on personality critiques with an exaggerated focus on her communication style, too bossy, too emotional, when she was simply trying to be assertive. Some of it involved comparing her to male colleagues, which only further diminished the validity of the feedback. And, perhaps because she was a mother, there were questions about her commitment to work, tied to stereotypical beliefs about family responsibilities. Other feedback was vague, lacking specificity, which made it difficult for her to pinpoint areas for growth or advancement.

The reality is that women often receive feedback influenced by systemic biases, both in professional settings and in life. But Lila wasn’t going to let that dictate her journey. She had been reading about this for years, and she was determined to overcome it. She built a strong professional network of empowered women and dedicated male allies. She sought constructive feedback from colleagues who respected her work and provided data-backed insights on her performance. She continued developing resilience - because, really, which woman has the luxury of not being resilient? She kept learning and advocating for inclusive workplace policies, actively participating in Employee Resource Groups.

All that effort prepared her to confidently engage in conversations if any of those old biases resurfaced in her feedback. Below are some of the responses she was ready to shoot back in case she needed this year:

"You are very bossy when you want something, hein?"

Response: "I believe I'm being assertive to ensure our team's objectives are met. Could you provide specific instances where my approach was perceived as bossy? This will help me understand and adjust if necessary."

"Josh did so well in last month’s sales performance; I didn’t see your numbers matching his this month."

Response: "Josh's performance was indeed amazing. My sales figures this month were influenced by [specific challenges]. I'm implementing strategies to improve and would appreciate any suggestions you might have."

"You sounded kind of emotional when Kevin disagreed with your point of view in our last team meeting!"

Response: "I was passionate about the topic, but I didn't realize it came across as emotional. Can you specify what aspects seemed that way? I'd like to ensure my enthusiasm is conveyed professionally."

"The discussion about the project escalated today when you were a bit aggressive with Paulo after he criticized your idea."

Response: "I apologize if my response was perceived as aggressive. My intention was to advocate for my perspective. Could you share specific behaviors that seemed aggressive so I can be more mindful in future discussions?"

"You might want to be less direct in meetings; it can come across as harsh."

Response: "I value direct communication for clarity and efficiency. However, I don't intend to be aggressive. Could you provide examples where my directness was off-putting? This will help me adjust my communication style appropriately."

"You look too young for your position."

Response: "I understand that my appearance might suggest youth, but I assure you that my experience and skills align with my role's requirements. If you have concerns about my performance, I'd appreciate specific feedback."

"Are you sure you can handle this project with your family responsibilities?"

Response: "I am confident in my ability to manage both my professional and personal responsibilities effectively. If there are specific concerns about my performance, please let me know so I can address them."

Let’s talk about this:

Like Lila, over the years, I’ve had my share of feedback based on systemic biases, not only because I am a woman, but also because I am a Latina working in the American corporate world. I’m a double minority, woman and Latina, which basically means I’ve got a front-row seat to the “You’re not supposed to be here” club. But guess what? I show up anyway, and I’m staying! 

This post isn’t focused on systemic biases, though it’s an important issue we must continue to fight against, and many of us can unfortunately relate to it (more on this in future posts). Instead, I encourage you to consider Lila’s strategies if you’ve received similar feedback. For now, we’ll focus on feedback from people who genuinely care about us and are invested in our growth.

My call to action with this post is to inspire you to see feedback from a fresh perspective, like putting on a new pair of glasses after years of dealing with an outdated prescription (yes, this metaphor comes straight from my recent experience!).

Before we move forward, let me ask you: are you reading this merely for information, or are you seeking true transformation? I encourage you to embrace the latter, dig deep and approach this with an open mind, ready to grow and evolve as you read.

People often say feedback is a gift. But let’s be honest, sometimes it feels like the worst gift ever, one that stings your feelings and bruises your ego.

The real gift is an open mind that welcomes growth. When you shift your mindset to view feedback as an opportunity to improve, it changes everything. Feedback cycles won’t be something you dread anymore, they’ll become something you actively seek out and incorporate into your daily life.

Feedback isn’t just a skill; it’s a superpower. It drives growth, deepens relationships, and turns good teams into great ones. The problem? Most people shy away from it because they don’t see its true value. It’s time to change that perspective, and it starts with us

In a previous post, I mentioned the concept of "blind spots", those hidden areas in our behavior and actions that we’re often unaware of but could use some attention. If no one points them out, how can we grow? You might unknowingly offend others or come across as dismissive, pushing people away without realizing it. 

Perhaps something in your attitude prevents others from trusting you, keeping you from forming deeper connections. These issues, if left unaddressed, can lead to challenges and even unhappiness down the road. So, wouldn’t you want someone to bring these blind spots to light, giving you the chance to reflect, adjust, and improve?

That’s the power of feedback, it gives you the chance to grow, improve, and become your best self. But again: it all starts with you. You must be willing to truly listen and process what’s being shared with you, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Feedback is the cornerstone of growth. Showing intentionality in the three areas below will help us to work towards personal and/ or professional growth:

Self-Reflection

Feedback is about discovering who we are and who we can become. It is like holding up a mirror. It’s not always easy to look at, but it’s the only way to truly see ourselves and become the person we want to be.

The person that is the most invested in your growth and development should be yourself. Self-reflection is an essential tool for personal and professional growth as it enhances our self-awareness, fosters continuous improvement, and helps us to stay grounded in our priorities, promoting work-life balance and ensuring intentional progress toward a fulfilling life.

This week, I met a dear friend for coffee, a meeting we had planned for weeks. Just as we were about to meet, a major crisis erupted at work. I could have canceled, but I kept a promise I made to myself after hearing Simon Sinek’s advice: it's better to cancel a meeting for a friend than the other way around. So, I showed up.

But as much as I was there physically, I wasn’t fully present. My mind, and my eyes, kept drifting back to work. Writing this, I realize how much I still need to work on being truly present in the moment, even when crises are pulling my attention elsewhere.

This experience is a reminder that reflection isn’t just about looking back; it’s about course-correcting in real time. It’s about recognizing where we fall short and taking steps to realign with the things that matter most. So, let this be my takeaway, and perhaps yours too: the next time we’re with someone who matters, let’s choose to be all there. Work can wait. Life, and the people in it, shouldn’t.

Receiving Feedback 

When you ask for feedback, you’re modeling humility and a growth mindset that inspires others to do the same. Receiving feedback helps us see blind spots and grow in ways we can’t on our own. 

The other day I read the following quote: “Feedback is the bridge between where you are and where you want to be, embrace it as a gift for growth”. So considering that you want to cross that bridge, holding on to your “gift”, what are some things to consider when the gift gets to your hands:

• Receiving feedback with an open mind is crucial. How many of us start reading our feedback and our eyes skim through the good ones looking for the bad ones? It's common to skim over positive comments and fixate on the negative ones. For instance, you might receive nine compliments about your impact on the team but dwell on a single suggestion to be more strategic.
• Assume good intent from the feedback provider, approaching them with kindness and gratitude, even if the feedback is difficult to hear. Comments like "You need to take things less personally; don't overreact!" can feel vague and personal, triggering emotional responses.  It's natural to think, "How can I not take this personally when it's about my character?" Such feedback may lack specificity or context, making it challenging to address. It is fair to say that not all feedback is clear, specific and well written. When you face those situations, aim to understand their perspective rather than reacting defensively or over-explaining your behavior. 
• Let your initial emotions settle and then seek clarification. Regardless of whether or not you like the feedback you received, it is crucial to let your emotions subside and then seek to understand the feedback from the provider's perspective. You may uncover valuable insights, even from feedback that initially seems unhelpful. A colleague once shared that she was aware of being perceived as intimidating, a notion she initially dismissed, believing that once people got to know her, they'd find her approachable. However, upon reflection, she recognized that this perception could hinder her efforts to build relationships at work, as not everyone would invest the time to see beyond first impressions. To address this, she decided to adopt a more open and intentional demeanor, aiming to make it easier for colleagues to connect with her. She learned that strategies such as maintaining a positive and open body language, smiling, and showing interest in colleagues by asking questions and following up can significantly enhance approachability.

Giving feedback

When you give feedback, you’re saying, “I see your potential, and I want to help you achieve it.” 

In Adam Grant’s book called “Give and Take”, he emphasizes the concept of generosity in sharing time and expertise. He suggests that givers, who offer help without expecting immediate returns, often build stronger relationships and networks, which can lead to greater long-term success. I like to think how feedback is a way to offer help. Additionally, Grant advises to seek advice rather than feedback as advice tends to be more specific and actionable, reducing the likelihood of taking it personally. 

Maybe this new language “offering advice” takes away the negative connotation of feedback. And may also put you in a more comfortable position and at ease to have an honest dialogue with someone that you care about and are willing to take your time to help him/ her develop and grow. 

During the feedback cycle, there’s an added layer of work, you’re expected to write dozens of feedback notes, making it feel like an uphill battle from the start. As the feedback provider, you’re tasked with documenting everything, scheduling follow-ups, and having multiple conversations, leaving you not only physically exhausted but also emotionally drained.

But what if you approached it differently? See this as an opportunity to show intentionality in supporting the growth of your team and peers. Lean into the process with genuine care and attention. If you’ve already built the habit of giving timely feedback throughout the year, this cycle becomes less daunting, it’s simply about organizing those insights and following up on conversations you’ve already started. Instead of viewing it as a burden, think of it as a way to solidify your commitment to their development and create a meaningful impact.

You never know, the feedback you provide might be the key that unlocks someone’s potential or the conversation they’ll remember forever because it touched something deep within them and shifted their perspective on life.

Feedback isn’t just about improvement, it’s not just about performance, it’s about discovering who we are and who we have the potential to become. It’s also about building trust, fostering growth, and creating a culture where people feel empowered to succeed.

You have the chance to promote meaningful change and contribute to a better world through this process. Embrace the opportunity!

Feedback is a powerful tool, not a perfect one. It’s a bridge to self-awareness, growth, and stronger connections, but only if we choose to cross it with curiosity and courage. Whether we’re holding up the mirror through self-reflection, receiving insights from others, or offering constructive advice ourselves, feedback shapes who we are and who we can become. Like Lila, we all have the choice to rise above biases, embrace the lessons that challenge us, and turn uncomfortable truths into opportunities for transformation. So, let’s lean into feedback, not just as something to endure, but as a gift we can learn to give, take, and even love. After all, the path to our best selves starts with listening.

Head, Heart and Hands Strategy: 

In this section, we will present practical examples organized into three strategies: Head Strategy 🤯 (gaining deeper knowledge about a specific topic), Heart Strategy 💗

(fostering empathy and aligning on shared goals to create win-win outcomes), and Hands Strategy 🤲(taking actionable steps to enhance someone else’s experience or improve our own).

🤯Give and Take by Adam Grant

 

💗Reflect on this quote when preparing to give feedback - “When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That's when you can get more creative in solving problems." - Stephen Covey

💗I invite you to reflect on the following prompts:

• How would your career and/or relationships have changed if someone hadn’t given you honest feedback?

• How could asking for feedback regularly help you achieve your goals?

🤲Here are some phrases to address various types of leadership feedback. These examples are drawn from my personal experiences, both as a recipient and provider of feedback to leaders over the years. Please feel free to test them out 🙂.

1. “You need to be more strategic”.

Actionable Feedback:

“I’ve noticed you tend to dive into tasks immediately, which shows great initiative. However, taking a step back to assess the bigger picture could help align your efforts with long-term goals. For example, before starting a new project, try outlining the potential outcomes, identifying any risks, and prioritizing steps that will have the greatest impact. This way, you’ll focus on work that drives results and avoids unnecessary detours.”

2. “You need to connect with people and assume good intent”.

Actionable Feedback:

“In team discussions, you often focus on efficiency, which is valuable. However, building stronger connections with colleagues could make collaboration smoother. For example, you could start meetings by checking in with the team, asking how they’re doing or acknowledging their contributions. Also, when challenges arise, assume positive intent by asking questions like, “Can you walk me through your approach?” instead of jumping to conclusions. This can foster trust and openness.”

3. “You need to hold people accountable”

Actionable Feedback:

“I appreciate your collaborative nature, but sometimes unclear expectations make it hard to follow through. For example, when assigning tasks, try clearly outlining what needs to be done, by when, and what success looks like. Follow up regularly to ensure progress is on track and provide support if any roadblocks arise. This will help build trust, improve accountability, and ensure the team delivers results more effectively."