Sit tight, here comes the story:
Lila’s friend Jasmine works as a Marketing Executive at a big tech company in Silicon Valley, CA. She’s been in this industry for over 20 years, learning to navigate hundreds of microaggressions aimed at women.
Sometimes, she felt successful in calling people out and advocating for a fairer, healthier environment. But most of the time, the aggressions were so subtle that by the time she made sense of them, it was too late, leaving her feeling powerless and defeated. Things like her male colleague interrupting her and other female colleagues, undermining their input, or those same individuals giving credit for her ideas to a male colleague. And, of course, there were those infuriating comments: “You’re so emotional” or “You’re too nice to be a leader.” Responding to those had often backfired, only proving their point.
She also faced more overt behaviors, like male managers questioning her competence during promotions, asking if she was really qualified despite her clear expertise. At the end of the day, women are just expected to take on administrative tasks like note-taking or organizing events, right? [read with an ironic tone, please].
But today, when Jasmine called Lila to share the latest “aggression” she experienced, Lila couldn’t believe her ears:
“Lila, today we had an All Hands meeting with the whole tech department—about 200 people around the world. After one of the presentations, the VP wasn’t happy with some of the results the Software Engineers presented, so he simply said, ‘When are you going to stop masturbating with the ideas and do something about it?’ Masturbating, Lila! Can you believe he said that?”
Lila struggled to find words. Unprofessional, disrespectful, demeaning? How could she make sense of that comment?
“OMG Jas, you always said your workplace environment is a bit hostile, but this crosses the line. This is verbal aggression and leadership misconduct. What a lack of respect for the audience and the team’s efforts, not to mention the insensitivity toward the women in the room.” Lila could have gone on, but she decided against adding more indignation to Jasmine’s heart. Instead, she asked, “What was the repercussion? What did people do?”
“Some of the men laughed uncomfortably at his comment. The women were just in shock—disappointed, embarrassed, demeaned, disrespected. I don’t know. We didn’t even know how to reac”t.
Jasmine and Lila spent a few more minutes discussing how it might be time for Jasmine to leave that toxic and unsafe environment, where professionalism and respectful communication clearly weren’t prioritized. They talked about the toll it was taking on her well-being and the importance of finding a workplace that valued her contributions and treated her with respect. Jasmine knew she deserved better, but the idea of making a change felt scary. Lila encouraged her, reminding her that a healthier environment could make all the difference in her career and happiness.
Let’s talk about this:
Jasmine’s experience is not an isolated incident, it reflects a disturbing trend highlighted in the latest Women in the Workplace 2024 Report this week. Lean in launched their 10th anniversary report that provides a detailed view of progress, decline, and stagnation in women’s representation and experiences over the past decade.
The good news? Over the past decade, companies have really rolled up their sleeves and made some impressive changes! The number of women in senior leadership roles is on the rise, and these trailblazers are not just reshaping the workplace, they're sparking inspiration in the next generation. Plus, we’ve got better policies in place and a real push for inclusion, which is fantastic!
Now, we’d love to be jumping for joy about the future, but there’s a little cloud on the horizon: this year’s study shows that company commitment to diversity is slipping (see graph below). Just when businesses should be doubling down on their diversity efforts, it looks like some might be taking a step back. What’s up with that?
We still have a lot of work to do. As seen in Jasmine’s story, the workplace continues to tolerate jerks like her VP. Back in 2010, when I was still new to the corporate world, I had the pleasure of attending a lecture by Robert Sutton, a professor in the Department of Management Science and Engineering at Stanford University. His work often focuses on organizational behavior and workplace culture. In that lecture, he introduced his new book, "The No Asshole Rule."
Despite my broken English at the time, the title intrigued me. I understood what made someone an “asshole,” but I hadn’t yet faced any in the workplace. I was too naïve and insecure to spot a “jerk.” I often thought I was being overly sensitive, assuming that some comments were just cultural differences I was still learning to navigate.
Sutton’s book dives into how toxic behavior messes up the workplace. He points out that letting jerks stick around drags down morale, kills productivity, and just makes everything worse. His advice? Don’t put up with it—kick the toxic people out with his “No Asshole Rule.
When I read the book, I began to learn how to identify and manage toxic people, and I’ve made an intentional effort to foster a respectful workplace culture, emphasizing the benefits of kindness and collaboration. I’ve seen firsthand how a positive work environment not only improves employee well-being but also drives better business outcomes (check out our post on Authentic Leadership).
Eliminating toxic behaviors is essential for women’s success. I don’t have a magic formula for doing so, but I truly believe that starting small can lead to significant change. At Netflix, part of the culture is to not tolerate “Brilliant Jerks,” and in my nearly 13 years there, I can testify that we lived and breathed that principle. Still, there were times when it felt like it took too long to let those jerks go. Often, they were male colleagues who knew exactly when to showcase their jerk behavior, choosing their audience carefully so it wouldn’t raise too much leadership attention.
Being part of that culture for so long helped me equip myself with the armor not only to protect myself but also to face those bullies and jerks. I remember some of them telling me, “You are too soft,” when they saw me being gentle, respectful, and polite to our partners. I have always led with empathy, treating people with care and valuing them authentically. If that’s being “soft,” then so be it. I will continue to be soft and hopefully inspire more male colleagues to do the same, because only by actively dismantling barriers like toxic cultures can we create workplaces where everyone, especially women, can thrive.
As we reflect on the findings from the Women in the Workplace 2024 Report, it’s clear that while progress has been made, there’s still much work to do. Jasmine’s experience is a heartfelt reminder that toxic behaviors, like those exhibited by her VP, continue to undermine the progress we strive for. The report highlights that a commitment to diversity is waning, which only exacerbates the challenges faced by women in the workplace.
Tackling hostile behaviors is essential for women’s success, and we must all play a role in fostering a respectful culture. We may not have a magic formula, but by starting small and standing up against toxicity, just as Jasmine is learning to do, we can create an environment where everyone thrives.
It’s time for all of us to embody the principles outlined in the report and advocate for change. By collectively rejecting the notion that we must tolerate jerks in our workplaces, we can pave the way for a future where women, like Jasmine, feel empowered, respected, and valued. Together, let’s turn the insights from this report into action and build workplaces where kindness and collaboration rule, ensuring that everyone has the opportunity to succeed.
Let’s take the first step:
Let’s raise awareness about toxic environments by sharing articles, blog posts like this one, books so more people learn to identify what shouldn’t be tolerated.
Let’s encourage open dialogue by organizing regular team meetings or forums where employees can voice concerns and share experiences related to workplace culture in a safe, respectful environment.
Most importantly, let’s all lead by example by modeling respectful behavior in our interactions with others. Showing empathy and kindness, setting a tone that encourages others to follow suit.
Resources:
Women in the Workplace 2024 Lean In Report - more insights on the wins to be celebrated in creating a better workplace for women and a deep dive on the opportunities.
Unreasonable Hospitality - The remarkable power of giving people more than they expect - in this book Will Guidara emphasizes the importance of going above and beyond to create memorable experiences for guests. Guidara argues that exceptional service is not just about meeting expectations but exceeding them through genuine connection, creativity, and attention to detail. I wonder why we are not doing the same for our employees?
The No Asshole Rule - Building a civilized workplace and surviving one that isn't - this book is your no-nonsense guide to kicking jerks out of the workplace! With humor and hard-hitting truths, Sutton dives into why toxic behavior sucks the life out of teams and how companies can banish the bullies to create happier, more productive environments.
Those links are goooold
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