Motivation: On and Off

                                                       

Sit tight, here comes the story:

“I don’t want to go to college. College is optional!”

Just like that - that’s what my freshly turned 9-year-old told me during our family walk on Sunday.

Where did that come from? I was genuinely surprised. If there’s one non-negotiable value in our family, it’s education. Of course, she has many years before she’ll truly need to make that decision.

Her comment sparked a long conversation about the importance of learning for personal and professional growth, but naturally, mine and her dad’s arguments didn’t quite land. She’s the type of girl who knows what she wants and goes for it. That’s a trait I admire, but in this case, I’m really hoping she changes her mind.

Eventually, we discovered the source: her favorite show, Family Reunion. In one episode, the characters explore different views on higher education, including the idea that college isn’t the only path to success.

At her age, kids are highly impressionable and tend to take things literally, especially when it’s coming from characters they look up to. Since her favorite character confidently claimed college isn’t necessary, and appeared successful without it, Lara took that as, “I don’t need college either.”

She clung to the most appealing part of the message, the one that felt like a shortcut.

After our conversation (and after recovering from that sinking feeling that maybe we’d failed to convey the importance of college), I realized she was simply influenced by what she saw on TV. 

Lara’s comment stayed with me, it made me think: how easily external influences shape our internal beliefs. How much of our motivation really comes from within? How much is shaped by the people, environments, media, and expectations around us?

Self-motivation begins within, but it doesn’t exist in a vacuum.

It’s often sparked by the world around us: a role model, a tough challenge, or even a line from a TV show. 

As I reflected on Lara’s perspective, I also checked in with myself. My own self-motivation has been fluctuating lately, and I felt compelled to write about it. My gut tells me other women might feel the same, that their drive ebbs and flows and could use a few tools to activate it when it runs low.

So let’s dig into the world of self-motivation and how understanding it can help us build more fulfilling and meaningful lives.

Let’s talk about this:

Once I heard that “Believing in yourself isn’t just a mindset, it’s the first step toward lighting the fire of your own motivation.”

I consider myself someone with a strong sense of self-drive. My intrinsic motivation is very powerful.

I get motivated when I experience personal growth (“I listened today more than I talked”), when I have the autonomy to make decisions (“Even though it was a tough decision to make, I’m proud that I did”), when I learn something new (“Just finished a book called Essentialism and it changed the way I operate, at work and at home”), when I get good at something (“I can finally play Chopin’s Nocturne on the piano”), and I’m extra motivated when I feel the thrill of overcoming a difficult task (“Getting cross-functional and cross-regional teams to collaborate effectively”).

If I have a purpose, something that feels important to me and aligns with my values, I’m motivated to do it.

But even being so self-driven, that’s not always the case. We all need some extrinsic validation, like recognition, money, evaluations, or status/reputation. For the procrastinators, deadlines are a great external motivator. Having been in tech for so long, I’ve seen competition act as an external motivator too (unfortunately). And of course, social expectations can play a big role, we often want to meet cultural, peer or family expectations.

When I reflect on my “down moments,” when my self-motivation isn’t turned on, I’ve realized that there’s a “self-motivation cycle” I go through. And when I do that, I can reset and find myself again, back to being my motivated self.

Let me walk you through my cycle, and hopefully it will help you identify your own and find ways to get back in the game, where you don’t need others or external things to motivate you. That’s when you take control of your life back into your own hands.

It all starts with believing in yourself.

Belief fuels purpose. When you believe in yourself, you recognize that your goals are worth pursuing and that you have what it takes to achieve them. This internal confidence becomes your reason to keep pushing, even when it’s hard.

Believing in yourself and going after what matters to you kills self-doubt. And self-doubt is something you need to get rid of, because self-doubt kills motivation.

Belief replaces doubt with determination. It helps you take action without needing external validation.

And of course, challenges are inevitable. They will show up along the way. But with determination, you build resilience. When you believe in yourself, setbacks become part of the journey, not signs to quit. That resilience feeds your inner drive, your self-motivation, to keep going.

It’s like believing in yourself is the spark, the match that fuels your self-motivation and keeps you moving forward.

Let me walk you through a personal example of how I found motivation through the “self-motivation cycle” I realized works for me.

My husband and I dealt with infertility for many years. At first, my self-motivation was sky-high. After meeting with a fertility specialist, I knew exactly what I needed to do: take hormones, do regular ultrasounds, count the eggs, retrieve them, fertilize them in vitro, then wait a few days to hear the news, either amazing or heartbreaking, on whether the embryos were growing and ready for implantation.

I believed I could do this. Being a mom was my purpose. I needed a baby to love, serve, and raise. I was fortunate to have the resources to afford this very expensive treatment. I had the strengths and support to go through it, even though I was terrified of the injections. My husband and a few close friends stepped in to help me with those.

But then the challenges started piling up. First round of treatment: self-motivation was still high. Second round: I felt doubtful but hopeful. By the third and fourth rounds, my motivation was fading. After every “not pregnant,” I’d have a few days of despair where I felt the dream slipping away. But eventually, I began to build resilience. I started to see each failed round not as an end, but as a step closer to that positive pregnancy test.

In those darker moments, extrinsic motivation didn’t help. Encouraging words like “you’ll get it, keep trying”, or the societal comments: “You’ve been married for seven years and still no kids?”, only triggered a negativity spiral. I had to find a way to tap back into my own internal motivation.

When we finally got the news that our baby was coming, my entire being celebrated. Believing in myself had paid off. Having a purpose had kept me determined. The challenges had built resilience. And with that, I came full circle, my confidence restored, ready to believe in myself again for whatever challenge was next.

I activate this self-motivation cycle often. Because, like most of you, life continues to throw challenges my way. Instead of letting them take control, I take the reins. I wish self-motivation ran on autopilot, but it doesn’t. So I’ve gotten better at noticing when it’s time to wake it up. And when I do, I remind myself: I can do whatever I set my mind to.

Just like Lara at nine years old is (hopefully temporarily!) determined not to go to college, I’m determined to raise kids who know how to activate their self-motivation cycle. Because life isn’t always fair, or easy, and happiness and fulfillment aren’t guaranteed. We have to fight, grow resilient, and most of all, believe that everything we need to fight the good fight is already within us. We just have to develop the self-awareness to activate it.

The four forces (belief, purpose, determination and resilience) you already hold within. When you engage them intentionally, you don’t need external motivation. You become your own spark.

Lara might still believe college is optional, and maybe one day she’ll change her mind. What matters more to me is that she learns how to believe in herself, deeply, consistently, and on her own terms. Because when she knows how to activate her own spark, she won’t need the world’s permission to chase what matters. Neither do you.

Head, Heart and Hands Strategy - A Practical Framework for Everyday Motherhood: 

In the spirit of inspiring you to define your own self-motivation cycle, I invite you to try the “Head, Heart, and Hands” framework below which offers a simple guide to help you think, feel, and act with intention.

🤯 Head Strategy: Understand the connection

Self-motivation is rooted in belief, belief that what you’re doing matters and that you matter.

Try reading Atomic Habit by James Clear. His insights on building tiny, consistent habits are fuel for your inner drive.

💗 Heart Strategy: Feel the Truth

Everything shifts the moment you believe in yourself, even just a little. That belief triggers small actions. Those actions build momentum. Momentum strengthens your determination and resilience, reinforcing your confidence.

🤲 Hands Strategy: Practice presence over perfection

• Write down 3 personal strengths. How have they helped you succeed before?

• Identify 1 opportunity (big or small) where you could apply one of those strengths.

• Ask yourself: What would I do if I truly believed my strengths were enough to start?