Sit tight, here comes the story:
Lila and Emma had worked side by side for years, leading their teams with kindness and understanding. Both believed in supporting their people, fostering trust, and creating a culture where employees felt valued. But when challenges arose, their leadership styles diverged.
One morning, Lila called Emma with frustration written on her face.
“I don’t know what to do,” Lila sighed. “David missed another deadline. I know he’s struggling personally, but the team is picking up his slack, and it’s not fair.”
Emma nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been letting things slide with Ava too. She’s been going through a tough time, and I don’t want to make it worse.”
Lila said: “But if we don’t hold them accountable, aren’t we failing them? I talked to David yesterday. I told him I understand, but we also have a job to do. I set clear expectations and asked what support he needed to meet them.”
Emma hesitated. “That makes sense, but I worry that pushing too hard will break trust. I keep hoping Ava will pull through on her own.”
A week later, the results were clear. David had stepped up, grateful for Lila’s firm but fair approach. He still had challenges, but he knew where he stood. Ava, on the other hand, continued to struggle, sensing no urgency to change.
Emma watched as Lila’s team moved forward, balanced between compassion and accountability. She realized that empathy wasn’t just about understanding, it was also about helping people grow, even when it meant difficult conversations.
Emma took a deep breath. It was time to have that conversation with Ava.
Let’s talk about this:
Have you ever let someone slide on poor performance because you were afraid that holding them accountable might damage the relationship?
If your answer is yes, you're not alone. As human beings, we crave connection, and the workplace is no different. Leaders are often taught that strong relationships are the foundation of high-performing teams. And that’s true. But where’s the line between being supportive and avoiding the tough conversations that actually drive growth?
Lila’s story reminds us that real empathy isn’t about protecting people from discomfort, it’s about caring enough to hold them accountable. For their own development. For the team’s success. For the mission we’re all working toward.
Critical conversations aren’t just important, they’re essential if we want our people to thrive and our goals to be met.
In Portuguese, there’s no direct translation for the word “accountability.”
When I first heard it being tossed around in the workplace, I was confused. Honestly, it didn’t sound good. The way it was used often involved talking negatively about someone who wasn’t meeting expectations. So naturally, I started attaching a negative meaning to it, like it was something bad.
Later in my leadership journey, I came to understand that accountability isn’t bad at all. It simply means taking responsibility for our actions and following through on what we said we’d do. But it goes deeper, it’s also about being honest when things go wrong and being willing to learn from mistakes.
If we promise to do something, people should be able to count on us, whether that means delivering results or being upfront when we’re stuck and need help.
As leaders, it’s our job to create a culture where people feel responsible, not blamed, a culture that encourages ownership. That means making expectations clear, and empowering everyone to step up and meet them.
It’s not easy. Balancing empathy and accountability is one of the biggest challenges we face. Lean too soft, and you create confusion and a lack of direction. Go too hard, and you risk creating fear and shutting down reflection and growth.
Women leaders often lean more toward empathy and relationship-building, which can sometimes make it harder to enforce accountability. We tend to be more nurturing and collaborative, which shapes leadership styles that prioritize harmony and emotional intelligence. On top of that, we feel the pressure to be “likable”, because women in leadership are still judged more harshly than men when they come across as too assertive or direct.
I recently had a conversation with a wonderful female manager about the importance of letting go of the need to be liked as she grows in her career. Her desire to be seen as approachable was holding her back from having tough conversations and pushing her ideas forward, all because she was afraid of being labeled “bossy” or losing people’s trust.
The truth is, as leaders, we will have to make unpopular decisions. It’s rare that everyone will agree with our vision or feel equally satisfied with the outcome. But as long as our decisions are informed, aligned with the business needs, and still foster a psychologically safe environment for our teams, we must have the courage to stand by them, to gain buy-in and hold others accountable to deliver on them.
I’m not saying women should abandon our relationship-oriented leadership style. In fact, that’s one of our greatest strengths - we build trust, coach, and develop others through connection rather than authority. This is what makes us powerful transformational leaders. But this same strength can sometimes delay necessary decisions, like addressing ongoing underperformance.
Being a respected leader doesn’t always mean being liked, and that’s okay.
Here are a few things that have helped me find the balance between empathy and accountability. I invite you to try them and see how they feel for you:
- Reframing accountability as support – Holding people accountable is actually a way of supporting them. In the CX world, we place a high value on Customer Satisfaction (CSAT). As a leader in this space, I could simply push my team to deliver higher CSAT scores. But if I’m not also providing the right tools, training, and resources, it wouldn’t be fair to expect continuous improvement. Accountability only works when it’s paired with support. When I equip my team properly, then I can confidently expect high standards, and that’s what drives growth, confidence, and meaningful results.
- Leveraging direct but compassionate communication - This was an area I had to work really hard to improve. Coming from Brazil, where the culture often encourages indirect communication to avoid hurting people’s feelings, it was a challenge for me to learn how to deliver clear, fact-based feedback or set straightforward expectations without emotional weight. But like anything, the more I practiced, the better I became. I’ve had to navigate incredibly difficult conversations, including announcing major layoffs and the closure of entire contact centers. Even though the message was tough, it landed clearly. The teams understood exactly what was happening and what was expected in the meantime. What made the difference was the compassion behind the message (empathy in action), both in my tone and in the support I provided to help the team navigate the transition.
- Empathy doesn’t mean avoiding action - I’ve learned that being empathetic doesn’t mean tolerating repeated poor performance without addressing it. I’m the kind of person who naturally builds friendships at work. Some might argue that this can cloud your judgment, and I’ve even had a manager express concern about my promotion because of the close relationships I had with peers who would become my direct reports. I won’t pretend it was always easy, navigating tough conversations with people you care about is hard. But I’ve delivered honest feedback and even heartbreaking news like layoffs to close friends. The key is this: if you’ve done your part as their leader, by setting clear expectations and providing the right support, then you can absolutely be there for them as a friend outside working hours. One role doesn’t cancel out the other.
Finding the balance between empathy and accountability isn’t easy, especially for women leaders who are often expected to lead with heart but not too much authority. But real empathy isn’t about avoiding discomfort; it’s about helping others grow, even when it’s hard. When we reframe accountability as support, lean into direct but compassionate communication, and stay grounded in clear expectations, we create space for both connection and performance to thrive.
Leadership is not about being liked, it’s about being trusted. And trust is built when people know we care enough to be honest, consistent, fair and courageous. That’s the kind of leader I strive to be, and I invite you to join me on that journey.
Head, Heart and Hands Strategy:
In this section, we will present practical examples organized into three strategies: Head Strategy 🤯 (gaining deeper knowledge about a specific topic), Heart Strategy 💗
(fostering empathy and aligning on shared goals to create win-win outcomes), and Hands Strategy 🤲(taking actionable steps to enhance someone else’s experience or improve our own).
🤯Dare to Lead - book by Brene Brown
💗I invite you to reflect about your week and ask yourself: "How can I, as a female leader, create a culture of trust and support while also finding the courage to hold others accountable without losing my empathetic touch?
🤲If a team member isn't performing as expected, think about drafting some key points to help you get ready for the conversation. Focus on setting clear expectations and offering support. Here is an example:
Start with empathy and understanding:
"Hi Pedro, I wanted to have a check-in with you about how things have been going. I know the past few weeks have been busy, and I really appreciate your efforts. However, I’ve noticed that there are some areas where your performance isn't aligning with the expectations we set as a team. Can you share your perspective on this?"
Set clear expectations:
"I want to be clear about what’s needed moving forward. For example, we’ve been aiming to finalize tasks A, B and C, and I’ve noticed that we’re falling behind in some of the key tasks. The expectation is that this will be completed by the end of April. Is it clear where we need to improve?"
Offer support and ask for their input:
"I’m here to support you, and I want to make sure you have everything you need to succeed. Is there anything that’s preventing you from meeting these expectations? Do you feel there’s any specific support or resources that could help you finalize those tasks?"
Collaborative closure:
"Let's work together on a plan. I’m confident you can get back on track with the right support and focus. How do you think we can best approach this to set you up for success?"
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