The Antidote to the Human Giver Syndrome: Setting Boundaries + Expanding the "Bubbles of Love"

Sit tight, here comes the story:

Lila is like a modern-day superhero who juggles the demands of her career and personal life. By day, she's a dedicated sales executive; by night, a devoted mother, wife, friend, and volunteer. 

One evening, while juggling a conference call, stirring spaghetti sauce, and helping her son craft a last-minute science project, Lila’s phone buzzed. It was a message from one of the moms from her kids’ school. "I know it is a last minute request, but can you bake 100 cupcakes for the school fair tomorrow?"

Lila’s inner voice screamed, "Say no! You haven't slept properly in days!" But at the same time, she thought: "Good mothers bake cupcakes. You don't want to disappoint the kids, do you?"

At that point she realized she had been infected by the Human Giver Syndrome. 

So, at 9 PM, after tucking her children into bed, Lila embarked on a baking marathon. Hours later, with frosting in her hair and a tray of crooked cupcakes before her, Lila chuckled at the absurdity. She realized that in her quest to be everything for everyone, she'd forgotten to be something important: kind to herself.

At work,  it was no different. Lila’s Human Giver Syndrome manifested in various ways: she constantly provided emotional support to her colleagues, who often sought counsel for workplace dilemmas and personal issues. While she valued being a trusted confidante, these unrecognized emotional labor sessions added to her workload. Not to mention the amount of admin tasks she would take on, like organizing events, taking meeting notes, tasks that, while essential, diverted her from strategic responsibilities.

Balancing work and family responsibilities disproportionately affected Lila. She often faced higher expectations to manage household duties and childcare, leading to conflicts between work and personal life. This imbalance sometimes resulted in her delaying or declining promotions and handling unexpected childcare issues more frequently than her male counterparts. 

The next day, still sleep-deprived, Lila was asked to mentor a new hire, spearhead the event at her church and plan a friend’s birthday party, all while managing her regular workload. The tipping point came when she missed her daughter's teacher-parent conference due to an unscheduled meeting.

Reflecting on this, Lila recognized the unsustainable path she was on. 

From that day on, she began setting boundaries, delegating tasks, and, most importantly, prioritizing her well-being. Lila learned that being a superhero doesn't mean doing everything for everyone; sometimes, it means knowing when to take off the cape.

Through this journey, Lila discovered that embracing self-compassion and setting boundaries not only improved her quality of life but also made her more effective in her roles, both at work and at home.

Let’s talk about this:

I first heard about Human Giver Syndrome while desperately searching for books and articles on burnout. Everyone talks about burnout, but it took me a long time to recognize that I was experiencing it and needed to take action. That's when I discovered the book Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. 

The entire book is fantastic - educational, practical, and relatable. Among all the great material, understanding Human Giver Syndrome and recognizing it in myself was the best gift I received. It was my "aha moment," speaking about me and to me.

Human Giver Syndrome is the belief that some people (the givers) are expected to put all their energy into creating comfort and success for others, and to be attractive and available, physically and emotionally, at all times while doing it. 

When affected by this syndrome, we give our time, attention, energy, love, and bodies in support of others, no matter the cost.

And guess who is more prone to be affected by Human Giver Syndrome? If you said women, yes, point for you. Unfortunately, we are raised to be pretty, happy, calm, generous, and attentive to others' needs. 

We are rewarded when we help a friend, share our best doll or toy, or give the last piece of our favorite chocolate to a brother who has eaten his in three seconds. 

I remember, as a young girl, consistently helping my classmates with their homework, often at the expense of my own study time, which led to lower grades. I also had a habit of sharing my lunch with a friend who always seems to have forgotten hers, leaving me sometimes hungry and struggling to concentrate in class.

But the memory that still frustrates me the most is knocking on my friend’s door to ask her to play, only to have her mom tell me she couldn’t - she was busy helping with household chores while the boys got to enjoy their free time.

I could go on and on, recalling scenes from my childhood and my girlfriends’ experiences, where being selfless wasn’t just encouraged, it was expected. Since we were young, we have been expected to give, to put others' needs before our own. 

Most of us have seen our mothers and grandmothers doing it, so why wouldn't we continue the tradition?

I grew up with two younger brothers, and even though my family provided many amazing examples of strong women who modeled empowering behaviors, and male figures who respect women, I still saw my brothers, cousins, and male friends experiencing very different expectations, like being ambitious, competitive, strong, and infallible.

Don't get me wrong, I don't see anything wrong in giving to others or being selfless. I enjoy it very much; it makes me happy, and I truly believe that others (including men) should give more to their families, communities, work environments, and society in general. If we had more givers, we might live in a fairer world.

The problem with excessive, relentless giving or selflessness is that it can lead to burnout, as givers neglect their own well-being in the pursuit of serving others.

This week, two women (one from work and another a dear friend) came to me for advice about the same thing: how to find their voice and find the courage to stop being so agreeable in serving and pleasing others. Right away, I thought of the problem we women face with Human Giver Syndrome. To break free from it, we need to set boundaries, practice self-compassion, and recognize that our worth isn't solely tied to serving others.

I think the best antidote for Human Giver Syndrome is to expand our Bubble of Love to include ourselves. We are so encouraged to send bubbles of love to others by helping them, agreeing with them, supporting them, and taking care of them, so why not include ourselves in the same bubble and start taking care of ourselves with the same amount of love?

The problem, as mentioned by the sisters Emily and Amelia Nagoski, is that the moment we start to "treat" Human Giver Syndrome, it punishes us. It will try to stop us from setting boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and pursuing meaning in our lives that isn't solely about serving others. Our job is not to stop. We need to keep engaging with our purpose.

Setting boundaries isn't always easy, but it's crucial in combating Human Giver Syndrome. To protect our time and energy, we must learn to say no and establish limits. Below are some strategies I continuously work on myself, and I hope they work for you as well:

• Develop self-awareness: Start by noticing when you're prioritizing others' needs over your own. Ask yourself questions like, "Am I saying yes to this because I truly want to, or because I feel obligated?" This reflection will help you to identify patterns of over-giving.

• Learn to Say NO: Setting boundaries means becoming comfortable with declining requests that don’t align with our priorities or capacity. Remember, saying no isn’t selfish, it’s a necessary practice for self-preservation. At work, I find it easier to say no when a request doesn’t align with my priorities. However, in my personal life, it’s much harder. When a friend or family member asks for something, I often feel the need to give in, otherwise, guilt creeps in. But I’ve been more intentional about practicing with people I trust to understand my “no.” For instance, my husband and I had a kid-free evening, and he really wanted to go out for dinner and a movie. But what I truly wanted was to stay in and rest quietly. We compromised by renting “I Am Still Here” - the 2025 Oscar-winning Brazilian film for Best International Movie - while enjoying some wine. That “no” felt good, and I got to do what I wanted without hurting anyone’s feelings.

• Establish Clear Limits: Define what you're willing and able to give in various aspects of your life, and communicate these limits to others to foster understanding and respect. For instance, when I want to write for BRAVA, my kids know I need to be on my own to think. As soon as I grab my personal laptop, they already understand, "Mom is going to work on BRAVA, we can’t bother her." Mateo, the little one, is still learning to respect my time, though! 😄 Setting boundaries helps protect our physical, emotional, and mental health, allowing us to feel safe and in control.

Ready to break free from Human Giver Syndrome? Want to know the secret to becoming stronger, more successful, and healthier?

It starts with persistence in saying no, investing in relationships with intention, because if you’re giving, the other party should be giving too, and, most importantly, mastering the art of rest. You deserve balance, not burnout!

So, ladies, let’s make a pact: no more guilt for saying no, no more Olympic-level multitasking to keep everyone else happy while running on empty. The next time someone asks for just one more tiny favor that doesn’t align with your priorities, channel your inner diva, smile, and say, “Oh, I’d love to, but unfortunately, I’m all out of self-sacrificing magic today!”

Remember, setting boundaries doesn’t make you mean, it makes you mighty (or strong, powerful, impressive). So go ahead and practice your “no” with confidence. And if it ever feels tough, just take a deep breath and remind yourself: your time and energy are just as valuable as anyone else’s. 😉

Head, Heart and Hands Strategy: 

In this section, we will present practical examples organized into three strategies: Head Strategy 🤯 (gaining deeper knowledge about a specific topic), Heart Strategy 💗

(fostering empathy and aligning on shared goals to create win-win outcomes), and Hands Strategy 🤲(taking actionable steps to enhance someone else’s experience or improve our own).

🤯Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle - Book written by Emily and Amelia Nagoski

💗The next time you catch yourself feeling guilty for saying “no”, pause and ask yourself: If a friend were in my shoes, would I judge her for setting this boundary? Then, respond to yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer her. Maybe even say it out loud: “I deserve rest too.” “My needs matter.” “It’s not entirely about me first, but me too”. Practicing self-compassion with empathy starts with treating yourself like you would a dear friend.

 🤲If someone asks you to add to your “to-do” list this week, and the request doesn’t align with your priorities, practice saying: “I can’t take this on, but I can help you brainstorm another solution!” This might be your first step towards saying “no”.