Sit tight, here comes the story:
Lila’s best friend Julia is a force of nature. Maybe because she had always been told she had to be twice as good to get half as far in a male dominated environment. And she believed it. In the high-stakes corporate world, every promotion she earned felt like proof she was exceptional, and that she could never let her guard down.
But that belief came with a cost.
When Natalie joined the team, younger, sharp, and full of ideas, Julia felt threatened. At every meeting, she subtly undermined Natalie’s suggestions, always finding a flaw to pick apart. If someone praised Natalie’s work, Julia quickly redirected the attention to herself. She told herself it was just strategy, just survival. After all, the higher you climb, the fewer seats there are at the table, and she wasn’t about to give up hers.
One afternoon, their manager asked Julia and Natalie to co-lead a big client presentation. Julia was not happy about it. Sharing the spotlight felt like a risk. As they prepared, Julia dominated the conversation, brushing aside Natalie’s input and insisting on her own approach.
But the day before the presentation, something unexpected happened. As they were wrapping up a late-night prep session, Natalie sighed and said, “You know, I really admire you, Julia. But sometimes it feels like you see me as competition, not a teammate.”
Julia froze. No one had ever said it so bluntly.
Natalie continued softly, “I get it, the pressure, the expectations. I feel them too. But imagine how much further we’d get if we lifted each other up instead of competing over small things”.
That night, Julia couldn’t sleep. She called Lila the next morning sharing how she had thought about all the times she’d felt alone, all the times she’d fought so hard to prove her worth.
Lila listened to Julia patiently and ended the conversation with the following question: “What if you would have more women in your corner instead of feeling like you always have to defend yourself?”
That question stuck with Julia until minutes before the meeting. During the presentation, when Natalie offered an insightful idea, Julia didn’t just nod, she built on it, giving Natalie credit and amplifying her voice. The shift was subtle, but the client noticed their seamless collaboration. The presentation was a hit.
Later, as they packed up, Natalie smiled. “That felt good.”
“It did,” Julia admitted. And for the first time in a long time, the success didn’t feel like a fight, it felt like a win for them both.
Maybe there was more room at the table than Julia had thought.
Let’s talk about this:
The other day, I was listening to Trevor Noah's interview with Halle Berry, who has recently focused on addressing women's health issues, particularly the often-stigmatized topics of perimenopause and menopause. One of his questions prompted me to reflect on the profound impact of societal pressures on women and how, if we don't learn to manage them, they can lead to increased competition among women and negatively affect our physical and mental well-being.
Trevor asked, "Why aren't women talking about menopause? Why does it seem to have shame attached to it? What is it about it that is shameful?" Halle responded, "Because we live in a world where, as women, we have been sold the ideology that we have to stay forever young. We cannot age. We are only valuable when we are young and forever 30, 35."
This post isn't about menopause or the societal pressure to keep women young and beautiful. Instead, I want to highlight the pressures society places on us to meet its high standards: being perfect at work, present at home, polished in appearance, nurturing in relationships, and ambitious in our careers.
“Do it All” and “Do it Well”
There's an expectation that we need to "do it all" and “do it well”. Like in Julia's situation, our worth often seems tied to our performance.
When I became a first-time mom, I found myself struggling with the tons of challenges that come with having a baby, especially managing my priorities. My ambition to grow in my career was suddenly replaced by a drive to be the best mom. I read countless books on child-development, sleep training, the importance of nursing for development, and the non-negotiable need to introduce healthy foods at an early age. Among the many expectations society has for us to be good moms, I believed that if I failed in that area, I wasn't just failing myself but also jeopardizing my child's future. So, my worth became intrinsically linked to my performance as a mom.
I also noticed another area where I let society dictate my way of living: I was afraid to show vulnerability. As I transitioned back to work, the competing responsibilities at home and work, the travel required for my job (while nursing), and the weeks spent pumping to leave enough milk for the baby all left me physically and emotionally exhausted. Yet, I couldn't admit my struggles to my boss ("Sorry, I can't go to Europe right now because my baby is 5 months old and I'm still nursing"). I couldn't ask for help ("Of course, I can do it all; I wanted this baby for so long. How weak of me to admit I need help") or acknowledge my limits ("I can take on this extra project right now. I'll do it when the baby goes to bed").
I couldn't do any of that because doing so would be seen as a threat to the image society expects women to uphold. How dare I show everyone I am weak?
What is the risk when we tie our worth to our performance?
The risk is: our ego becomes entangled with our achievements. This may not manifest as arrogance but rather as defensiveness. Over-identifying with our accomplishments leads us to value ourselves based on titles, productivity, and how well we manage everything. Consequently, any perceived failure in these areas reflects on our self-worth.
In the past, close friends would often say, "I don't know how you do it all, kids, house, work." Initially, I took their comments as compliments. However, one friend asked, "Don't you sometimes feel like you want to disappear and leave it all behind? I feel bad complaining about my life to you because you seem like this superwoman who handles everything so well!" At that moment, I realized I was projecting an image that wasn't entirely accurate. Of course, there are times I want to throw everything in the air and lock myself in my room. I'm exhausted, and my emotions fluctuate between feeling on top of the world and feeling like the last cookie in the package.
I generally strive to be optimistic, viewing challenges as opportunities for growth. However, since that conversation with my friend, I've allowed myself to complain more, open up about my limitations and struggles, and ask for help more often. Embracing vulnerability has deepened my connections with others, especially fellow working moms, and has enabled me to assist others facing similar challenges.
How does protecting our ego show up in the workplace?
In the workplace, many women struggle with the fear of being perceived as "not enough." While few openly discuss this, it becomes evident when they resist feedback and avoid collaboration, much like Julia initially did. In protecting their ego, they avoid appearing imperfect, allowing competitiveness to overshadow sisterhood.
Unfortunately, in male-dominated environments where opportunities for women are limited (Women in the workplace 2024 Report), we often feel the need to continually prove ourselves. This drive to assert our belonging can make us more guarded or hesitant to uplift other women. Societal expectations can also lead to over-controlling behaviors at work, home, and in relationships. Our ego intervenes to maintain the facade of having it all together, even when things are falling apart.
Some other behaviors can be seen when women are protecting their egos, like:
Refusing to admit mistakes to preserve our self-image leading to a lack of accountability. This behavior, often rooted in a fragile ego, hinders personal growth and damages relationships. Acknowledging our errors requires emotional strength and fosters a culture of humility and learning.
Taking credit for others' work by claiming sole ownership of team achievements, undermining trust and morale.
Micromanaging is very common, especially for recently promoted women. There is a need to oversee every detail of a team's work, which can indicate a lack of trust and an inflated sense of self-importance.
Self-promotion requires a delicate balance between confidently sharing our achievements and avoiding excessive boasting that can alienate colleagues and foster unnecessary competition. I often say that our work speaks for itself. In today's collaborative environment, work is rarely done in isolation; we're always working with others. Therefore, boasting about our own accomplishments is often misleading, as many others may have contributed to the final product, directly or indirectly. Recognizing and acknowledging the collaborative nature of our work not only fosters a positive team atmosphere but also enhances our credibility and likability among peers.
Avoiding Feedback by being hypersensitive to criticism which prevents learning and improvement.
A female engineer friend of mine told me that early in her career, eager to establish her credibility, she often worked late hours and hesitated to ask for assistance, fearing it might be seen as a sign of weakness. During team meetings, she found myself reluctant to voice her ideas, concerned they might be dismissed or scrutinized more harshly than those of my male counterparts.
This self-imposed pressure led to isolation. Instead of seeking mentorship from the few female colleagues she had, she viewed them as competition, believing there was limited space for women at the top.
It wasn't until a senior female leader reached out to her that she began to understand the importance of solidarity. She shared her own experiences of overcoming similar fears and emphasized the power of collaboration over competition. Her mentorship taught my friend that seeking help and embracing vulnerability are strengths, not weaknesses.
This shift in perspective allowed her to build meaningful relationships with her colleagues, both male and female. She became more open to feedback, which improved her performance and confidence.
Nothing in the corporate world saddens me more than seeing women not supporting each other. By supporting and uplifting other women in the organization, we collectively fostered a more inclusive and supportive work environment. Why wouldn't we want to do that?
How to not succumb to societal pressures?
Societal pressures can inflate our ego and hinder selflessness and sisterhood. The antidote is developing self-awareness. It's crucial to continually reflect and recognize: Do I need to prove myself? Am I protecting my image? Or can I view this situation as an opportunity to grow, learn, and bring other women along on the journey?
Recognizing these patterns and actively working to build self-awareness and resilience are crucial steps toward combating feelings of inadequacy and fostering a culture of mutual support. By acknowledging our vulnerabilities and embracing collaboration, we can create environments where women feel empowered to share their experiences and uplift one another, leading to better well-being, personal growth, and organizational success.
Reflecting on my journey, I've come to realize that embracing vulnerability and seeking support are not signs of weakness but of strength. By shifting from competition to collaboration, we can foster environments where everyone thrives. So, here's a thought: What steps can we take today to uplift each other and create a more supportive workplace culture?
Head, Heart and Hands Strategy:
In this section, we will present practical examples organized into three strategies: Head Strategy 🤯 (gaining deeper knowledge about a specific topic), Heart Strategy 💗
(fostering empathy and aligning on shared goals to create win-win outcomes), and Hands Strategy 🤲(taking actionable steps to enhance someone else’s experience or improve our own).
🤯Women in the Workplace 2024 Report - Collaboration between Lean in and McKinsey & Company AND 🤯Trevor Noah and Halle Berry - Podcast
💗I invite you to reflect on Robin Sharma's words, "Check your ego at the door. The ego can be the great success inhibitor. It can kill opportunities, and it can kill success," How does this resonate with you? Do you find that setting aside your ego opens up more opportunities and fosters greater success? In what areas of your life could embracing humility lead to better outcomes?
🤲I encourage you to take a simple but meaningful first step to support and uplift other women which is to celebrate another woman's achievements this week. This involves openly acknowledging and praising her success, both in private and public settings. For instance, you can send emails of encouragement and applaud her efforts in meetings. This can significantly bolster her confidence and sense of belonging within the professional community.
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