The Art of Supercommunication: Building Deeper Connections

Sit tight, here comes the story:

In our house, I cook, my husband washes the dishes, and the kids set the table. That’s how we roll. And by "washing the dishes," I mean loading the dishwasher, because that's the privilege of living in the U.S. For someone who grew up scrubbing dishes in freezing water during the winter, having both a dishwasher and a husband who handles it feels like a blessing.

But two weeks ago, our dishwasher broke. While we navigate the home warranty bureaucracy, my husband has been actually washing the dishes. Today, as the kids set the table for lunch, they noticed the plates were… less than spotless.

“Dad, did you really wash these?” my daughter asked, disappointed.

“Of course I did,” my husband replied, a little defensive.

“Well, not well enough,” Luca said, grabbing the plates and washing them himself.

During lunch, we talked about how tough it is without a dishwasher and how everyone needs to pitch in so the responsibility doesn’t fall entirely on Dad. As I watched the conversation unfold, I noticed something: My husband didn’t take the feedback personally - if anything, he adjusted, rinsing plates immediately after we ate to make cleaning easier later. The kids weren’t being critical; they simply acknowledged a standard for cleanliness in our home. If Dad couldn’t meet it, they were happy to step up.

That ordinary family moment made me reflect on the power of communication in building connections. Growing up, my parents insisted we all sit down for at least one meal together. Those table talks, where we covered everything from big life decisions (like which college to attend) to silly debates (like whose feet smelled the worst), are the foundation of our strong family bond. Now, I try to recreate the same with my own family.

I cherish these moments and look forward to them every day. But how intentional should we be about fostering these kinds of conversations? Should they happen at work too? How do we unlock the secret language of connection? Could it all come down to communication?

Let’s talk about this:

That ordinary family moment made me reflect on the power of communication in building connections. It’s not just about what we say, but how we say it and how we listen.

This is exactly what Charles Duhigg explores in his book called Supercommunicators. He argues that great communicators don’t just share information; they recognize different conversation types and adapt to create real understanding. 

According to him, there are three types of communication: 

1. “What’s this really about?” Conversation - Decision making mindset

2. “How do we feel?” Conversation - Emotional mindset

3. “Who are we?” Conversation - Social mindset

Whether at home, work, or in our communities, the ability to communicate effectively can make all the difference in how we connect, collaborate, and resolve conflicts. 

We connect with people when we are having the same type of communication. For example, if I am upset with my manager and want to vent about it to my husband (I want to have a “how do we feel?” conversation) and he started offering tips on how to fix my relationship with my manager, such as “give him feedback or ask him for lunch” - demonstrating he is trying to have a “decision-making conversation”), most likely we will fight about it, because I want him empathy not solutions to my problems, thus, no connection. 

This is the recipe for meaningful conversations suggested by Duhigg:

• Pay attention to what type of conversation is happening

• Share goals and ask what others are seeking

• Ask about others feelings and share your own

• Explore if identities are important for this type of discussion

Before you open your mouth, ask yourself: what type of conversation am I seeking? Then look for cues on what the other person wants. So let’s dig into each one of the different types to understand how they can help us to improve our connections with people (those closer to one and those that we want to be close to) and hopefully create relationships that are more meaningful and fulfilling in our lives.

“What’s this really about?” Conversation - Decision-making Mindset

This type of conversation is about discussing goals, making decisions, and figuring out how we’re going to do things. As parents, my husband and I have tons of conversations like this, not just between us but with the kids as well, whether it’s negotiating TV time or deciding where to go on vacation. 

At work, more often than I’d like, I’ve left meetings feeling unsatisfied, unsure if a decision was made or what the next steps were. After reading Supercommunicators, I realized why:  sometimes, we walk into meetings without a clear agenda or expectations, leading to uncertainty. As a leader, if I feel this way, I can only imagine how others do. Moving forward, I’ll be more intentional about setting clear goals before meetings and encouraging others to share theirs.

One day, my daughter came home upset after a fight with her friend. Through tears and frustration, she finally opened up. As a mom, I couldn’t stand to see her hurting, so I jumped into “solutions mode.”

“Have you tried talking to her?” I suggested.

“Of course, but she didn’t care,” she snapped back.

I offered three more solutions, each met with more resistance. Then, I realized the disconnect, this wasn’t a “How do we fix this?” conversation. She needed a “How I feel” conversation.

So, I asked, “Do you want me to help you find a solution, or do you just need a hug and someone to listen?”

She climbed into my lap, and we hugged in silence until her sobbing stopped. The next day, she proudly told me, “I told my friend the way she treated me wasn’t okay, so today, we didn’t play together, I needed some space.”

“How do we feel? Conversation” - Emotional Mindset

When a friend complains to us about her partner, and we sense they are asking for empathy, rather than advice, it’s because we are attuned to “How do we feel? Conversation. When we tell a funny story or feel a rush of pride during a conversation, that’s the emotional mindset at work, according to Duhigg. 

With friends and family, it might be easier to engage in those “how do we feel?” conversation, however, more and more I feel that at work, people try to avoid having those types of conversations. I encourage everyone to embrace this type of conversation to foster real connections at work.

During 1:1s, I am very intentional in asking people how they are feeling, and even though in a group setting, I do the same, people don’t feel as comfortable opening up how they really feel. The other day, as we approached a very important deadline, I noticed that the team’s energy had been a bit low, and I wanted to make sure we were supporting each other during this last sprint.

As we went around hearing everyone’s thoughts, I heard how some were feeling overwhelmed, because it felt like the workload kept increasing, and they were struggling to keep up. It was like they were playing catch-up. We discussed what was the hardest part for them and quickly learned that the back-to-back meetings were really not helping in giving them time to actually do the work and also, some complained on how not always they are clear on what the priority is so they feel they are juggling too many things at once.

We went on discussing how we can adjust and brainstormed some possible changes, like blocking focus time and being more intentional about prioritization. The most important thing about that conversation was making sure we kept the space open for conversations like that. Their well-being matters to me, and we’re in this together.

By focusing on how the team felt rather than just what needed to get done, this conversation strengthened our trust in one another, surfaced real issues, and created a space where we all felt heard and valued. We connected!

"Who are we?" Conversation - Social Mindset

The last type of conversation Duhigg explains in his book is the “Who Are We?” conversation. This social mindset emerges when we discuss our relationships, how we are seen by others and how we see ourselves. It’s about our social identities.

When we engage in meaningful conversations, we bring more than just our words, we bring our experiences. Think of a team debate on work-life balance:

• A parent might advocate for flexibility based on their childcare needs.

• A colleague without kids might prioritize evening work hours for productivity.

Our histories, values, and relationships shape how we show up in every discussion.

The “Who Are We?” conversation explores how our social identities make us, and the world, a richer place.

As Charles Duhigg explains, these conversations shape group identity by recognizing the histories, values, and backgrounds that individuals bring to the table. In the context of DEI, they are crucial because they:

• Foster psychological safety

• Encourage open dialogue

• Create a culture where differences are embraced, rather than overlooked or merely tolerated

A new employee once told me she was nervous about speaking up because, in her culture, people are expected to show respect by not questioning authority.

I responded: "We value diverse perspectives here, and your voice matters. Let’s find ways to make sure everyone feels comfortable contributing."

This simple exchange turned her comment into a Who Are We? Conversation, one that reinforced inclusion, acknowledged identity, and helped her feel like she belonged.

I didn’t solve the problem alone, I simply tried to create the conditions for trust, active listening, and connection.

Putting it all together

I’m sure you might be thinking, “This all sounds great, but my conversations aren’t that structured, they’re messy.” And you’re absolutely right. In my experience, real connections don’t happen through a perfectly organized framework where we neatly categorize each conversation type to build stronger relationships.

In just five minutes, we might move through all three types of conversations. What really matters is developing self-awareness. With practice, it becomes easier to recognize our own goals going into a conversation and pick up on cues from the other person to understand theirs, helping us get in sync and connect more effectively.

By mastering the art of supercommunication, we can transform workplace friction into opportunities for growth. Instead of letting miscommunication lead to frustration or disengagement, we can use intentional conversations to foster collaboration. 

When we recognize the type of discussion at hand, whether it’s about decision-making, emotions, or identity, we create space for mutual understanding. This not only strengthens relationships but also encourages a culture of trust and psychological safety. In turn, teams become more connected, innovative, and effective in solving challenges together.

Next time you sit down with a friend or colleague, pay attention. Are you working through a decision (What is this about?), venting and needing a listening ear (How do we feel?), or addressing an important relationship dynamic (Who are we?)? These small shifts in awareness can make a big difference.

Head, Heart and Hands Strategy: 

In this section, we will present practical examples organized into three strategies: Head Strategy 🤯 (gaining deeper knowledge about a specific topic), Heart Strategy 💗

(fostering empathy and aligning on shared goals to create win-win outcomes), and Hands Strategy 🤲(taking actionable steps to enhance someone else’s experience or improve our own).

🤯Supercommunicators - Charles Duhigg 

 

💗Reflect on this quote when preparing for a conversation: "Supercommunication is not just about speaking clearly, it’s about listening deeply, adapting on the fly, and transforming every conversation into a bridge of trust, empathy, and connection."

 🤲Next time you identify that you are in a “how do we feel?” conversation, begin by asking open-ended questions that invite the other person to share their emotions, and focus on listening rather than jumping to solutions. This intentional pause and alignment helps ensure that both parties are on the same wavelength, paving the way for clearer, more effective communication.