The Uncomfortable Silence

Sit tight, here comes the story:

Lila comes from a loud family. Everyone talked a lot and often over each other. Growing up in such a probing environment, whenever she needed a moment of silence, she had to go for a walk because if she stayed, her family would keep asking what was wrong until she either told them or invented a lie to get them off her back. In her household, silence signaled that something was wrong or needed to be "fixed."

When Lila entered the workforce, it was hard for her to grasp that she didn’t need to fill every quiet moment with conversation or questions. Silence always triggered unease in her. As a leader, she felt compelled to keep the conversation going to avoid that discomfort, unintentionally suppressing reflection or deeper thought from her team.

She frequently received feedback that she “talked too much.” Eventually, Lila decided to reflect on whether her tendency to talk excessively was tied to her discomfort with silence. She began to notice the following patterns:

• Team meetings: When she challenged the status quo or asked her team a question they didn’t immediately have an answer to, she wouldn’t give them time to think. A few seconds of silence made her so uncomfortable that she would jump in to fill the gap, hindering her team’s ability to reflect, step forward, and contribute.

• Feedback sessions: When delivering feedback, she didn’t allow the other person time to process their thoughts, consider new perspectives, or absorb what she was saying. She would fill the silence with more questions, like asking how they felt or what they could improve.

• At home: With her husband, who needs time to process information before reacting, she would get into arguments because she wouldn’t allow them both to pause and manage their emotional reactions.

After recognizing these patterns, Lila decided to take a communication class to learn more about the importance of silence for personal growth and how to use it as a tool to help develop others as a leader.

As Lila embraced the practice of silence, she noticed significant changes. Her team began contributing more thoughtfully, offering ideas that might have been stifled in the past. In feedback sessions, she found that giving space for quiet reflection often led to deeper, more productive conversations. Even at home, she and her husband began to communicate more effectively, allowing pauses to cool down emotions and foster understanding.

Lila realized that silence wasn’t a void to be filled but an essential tool for growth—both for herself and those around her. By learning to embrace the discomfort of silence, she unlocked the potential for better communication, stronger relationships, and a more effective leadership style. Now, instead of fearing the quiet moments, she uses them to create space for clarity, thoughtfulness, and connection.

Let’s talk about this:

It sounds like there might be a deep connection between growing up in a loud, probing family environment and becoming a leader who feels the need to fill the silence. When you're raised in an atmosphere where silence is uncomfortable and questions, comments, or noise fill every gap, it can condition you to view silence as something to avoid or even fear.

Or perhaps I’m overanalyzing this or projecting my own experience of being part of a loud family, just like Lila’s. Whatever the reason, I’ve encountered many uncomfortable silences at work over the years and have been experimenting with different strategies to leverage silence positively for both my development and the growth of others.

We live in a culture of rapid responses where everything feels urgent. Let’s face it, awkward silences can be very uncomfortable. I’ve also observed many leaders using the “probing dynamic” to assert control, ensuring that everything is discussed and managed. For these leaders, silence can be perceived as a loss of control, with the belief that being quiet equates to losing grip on a conversation or project. Some leaders feel they need to have all the answers and respond quickly, thinking that demonstrating decisiveness and vocalizing their thoughts proves their competence.

One of the most effective techniques I’ve learned for communication in the workplace is the "18-Seconds Silence" and the "Two More Than Me Again" technique. The 18-Seconds Silence involves waiting in silence for 18 seconds during a conversation or after asking a question. This pause encourages deeper reflection, gives others time to gather their thoughts, and provides space for more meaningful contributions.

The "Two More Than Me Again" technique involves allowing two more people to contribute to the conversation before you speak again. This ensures that multiple voices are heard before you reenter the discussion.

As a very opinionated and passionate person, practicing these techniques was a game changer for me. In leadership or team meetings, these approaches help prevent the rush to fill silence, fostering better responses and more thoughtful contributions.

They also promote active listening and respect for others' thoughts, avoiding interruptions and leading to richer discussions and more diverse perspectives.

I've since redefined what silence means to me. Rather than seeing it as something to avoid, I now view silence as a tool for growth. For me, silence is not only a moment for introspection but also a signal that my team needs more time to process or an opportunity for someone else to step forward. Silence isn’t a void to be filled but a space where new ideas can take root.

I also needed to let go of my ego as a leader. My value as a leader isn’t measured by how much I talk or fill in the blanks but by how well I listen and create space for others. I’ve been trying to use silence as a tool for empowerment, allowing others to step into their own leadership and voice their insights.

Silence plays a crucial role in our personal and professional development, often serving as a powerful tool for reflection and growth. When was the last time you or your team embraced that uncomfortable 18 seconds of silence?" If you can’t even remember the last time you embraced silence, maybe it’s time to start creating those moments. Great things can come from it: inclusive discussions, diverse viewpoints, and perhaps even the discovery of hidden talents within your teams and families when you give them a voice.

Incorporating silence into our personal and professional lives can unlock new levels of growth, understanding, and collaboration. By embracing the discomfort of quiet moments, we open the door to deeper insights, thoughtful contributions, and more inclusive conversations. As you practice silence, whether through techniques like the "18-Seconds Silence" or allowing space for others to speak, remember that leadership isn't just about being heard, it's about creating the space for others to grow.

For further reading, Think Again by Adam Grant offers valuable insights into the power of rethinking and intellectual flexibility. By using silence as a tool for reflection, you create the mental space to rethink, adapt, and approach challenges with fresh perspectives.

Silence isn’t just a pause, it's an opportunity. What will you discover in your next quiet moment?

Let’s take the first step:

• Practice Active Listening during conversations, focus on fully hearing the other person without interrupting or jumping in with your own thoughts. Silence creates space for them to feel heard.

• Silent Reflection in Meetings - when asking a challenging question or introducing a new idea, give the team a few seconds of silence to think before anyone speaks. This encourages more thoughtful contributions.

• Intentional Pauses - in discussions or brainstorming sessions, pause before jumping in with your thoughts or suggestions. This encourages others to step forward with their ideas.

Resources:

Think Again by Adam Grant - while this book emphasizes the power of changing one's mind and being open to new ideas, it indirectly highlights how silence can serve as a tool for rethinking. For example, taking a moment to pause, reflect, or listen without rushing to respond can foster deeper insights and allow for more thoughtful re-evaluation of ideas.