Stay cool: handling emotions at work

Sit tight, here comes the story:

Lila had always prided herself on her meticulous attention to detail. As the lead sales person at a tech startup, her pitches had received recognition from colleagues and clients alike. So when Mark, a senior sales colleague known for his bluntness, criticized her latest project during a team meeting, she was caught off guard.

"This pitch is cluttered and confusing," Mark said, his voice echoing slightly in the conference room. "We need something cleaner, more intuitive."

Lila felt a flush of heat creep up her neck. She felt her heart racing, her throat was tight. She wants to jump on his neck and yell that he was unfair and wrong, she had spent countless hours perfecting that pitch, and hearing it dismissed so casually stung deeply. She could feel the eyes of her teammates on her, waiting for her response.

"Well, maybe if you actually tried to understand the pitch instead of just dismissing it outright, you'd see its value," Lila snapped back, her voice sharper than she intended. As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted them. 

The room went silent. Mark raised an eyebrow, looking taken aback. Lila’s heart pounded as she tried to compose herself. She knew she had overreacted, but the sting of his criticism had hit a nerve. Let alone that this wasn't the first time he did that. 

After the meeting, Lila retreated to her office, closing the door behind her. She sank into her chair, running a hand through her hair. She knew she needed to get a grip on her emotions. Criticism was part of the job, and she couldn't afford to take it personally every time. But knowing that and actually controlling her reactions were two different things.

Later that day, her manager, Luisa, gently knocked on her door. "Can we talk for a minute?" she asked, stepping inside without waiting for a reply. Lila nodded, bracing herself for a reprimand.

"Look, I know it's tough to hear negative feedback, especially when you've worked so hard on something," Luisa began, her tone calm and understanding. "But snapping at colleagues isn't going to help. We need to find a way for you to handle these situations better."

Lila sighed, feeling the weight of her own expectations pressing down on her. "I know, Luisa. It's just... I felt like he was attacking my work without giving it a fair chance. I couldn't help but react."

Laura nodded. "I get it. But reacting emotionally can undermine your credibility. Next time, try taking a deep breath and asking for specific feedback. Turn it into a constructive conversation instead of a confrontation."

Lila listened, absorbing Luisa's advice. She knew she had to work on this. Her career depended on her ability to navigate criticism with grace and professionalism. As Luisa left her office, Lila resolved to handle things differently next time. She would still feel the sting of criticism, but she would strive to channel her emotions into something productive, rather than letting them control her.

Let’s talk about this:

Discussing emotions at work involves navigating a sensitive and complex area. Emotions arise for various reasons, such as a comment from a colleague that didn't sit well, a look that insinuates something unpleasant, or a tone of voice that felt like an arrow hitting your heart. Often, the instinctive reaction is to become defensive. This can happen in any situation, both in life and at work. However, reacting emotionally comes with consequences, highlighting the need for careful handling of situations at work.

In Lila’s story, she demonstrates self-awareness in recognizing her feelings when Mark commented on the quality of her work. She felt her emotions accumulating, ready to explode. She recalled past experiences where similar remarks had upset her, leading to reactions she wasn't proud of.

However, self-awareness alone was not enough for Lila, as she lacked self-regulation. She allowed her emotions to dictate her actions. While she understood her feelings, she was unaware of how others perceived her. Her tone of voice became sharp and loud, her eyes widened, and she turned red. Her upset was evident, which is exactly how she appeared to others.

It's important to acknowledge that generalizations can be misleading and that individual experiences and behaviors vary widely. Nonetheless, Lila’s episode could reinforce the stereotype of "women being too emotional" at work. She interpreted the feedback as a personal attack rather than constructive input for growth.

In the past, Lila tried different techniques to manage her emotions at work. She attempted to suppress her emotions to appear strong and professional, but this led to stress and burnout. She apologized frequently, even when unnecessary, which undermined her authority and confidence. She struggled to express her needs and boundaries clearly and confidently, leading to unmet needs and resentment. Worst of all, she downplayed her achievements to avoid seeming boastful, hindering her career advancement.

Understanding and managing emotions in the workplace is crucial for personal and professional growth. Recognizing emotions is the first step, but regulating them effectively is essential to maintaining a positive and productive work environment. Taking a moment to pause and breathe deeply before responding to emotional triggers can help us gain clarity. Reflecting on why we feel a certain way and whether our response is appropriate can prevent hasty reactions. Communicating our feelings calmly and constructively, setting clear personal and professional boundaries, and seeking support from trusted colleagues or mentors are also valuable strategies. Additionally, practicing self-care to maintain our mental and physical well-being is essential. By adopting these approaches, we can better manage your emotions, enhance our professional relationships, and create a more positive work environment.

What excellence looks like:

• We handle emotions at work in a way that is both authentic and professional, creating a harmonious and productive work environment. 

• The workplace culture is supportive and inclusive, where expressing emotions is seen as a strength rather than a weakness.

• We excel in self-regulation, maintaining composure and responding thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. 

​​Food for Thought:

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

Call for action:

If you are a woman in a leadership role, make sure you act as a role model, demonstrating how to handle emotions effectively and fostering an environment where everyone feels valued and heard.

Resources:

Emotional Agility -  Susan David offers practical strategies for adapting to workplace challenges, fostering resilience, and developing emotional agility to thrive both at work and in personal life.