Cooking Up Your Confidence: Silencing your Inner Critic, Stirring up Your Bias to Action

"Sit tight, here comes the story"

"When I was 25 years old and moved to the US to learn English, I was in the process of publishing my very first (and only) research paper on Professional Voice. The research had been accepted to be presented at one of the biggest symposiums in the field of Voice Care for Professional Voice users, such as singers, actors, actresses, teachers, etc., called The Voice Foundation. When my advisor and I submitted the paper for review, I had no plans to move to the US, let alone present in front of prominent figures in the field—professors and educators I only knew from the books I studied. The plan was for my advisor to present if my paper was accepted."

Two months after I arrived in the US, I got the good news that my paper had been accepted, along with my advisor's question: “Since you are in the US already, would you like to fly to Philadelphia and present the paper yourself?”. I had 3 months to get ready for it, but how could I? I barely knew how to put a three-word sentence together in English. How could I make a 20-minute presentation in English? What about the questions after the speech? How could I answer Professor Robert Sataloff (an MD professor whose work I had based all my research on) if he had a question or some feedback for me?

Despite my knowledge about the research I had worked so hard on, my inner critic kept whispering doubts: “What if you fail?”, “What if my words in English are not understandable?” “What if no words come out of my mouth?”, “My advisor speaks perfect English; I will never be able to present as well as she would”.

Trying not to overthink, I responded to my advisor, informing them that I accepted the challenge. I had to learn to navigate through the voices of self-doubt, fear, comparison, anxiety, and uncertainty if I want to be successful in my career. While acknowledging my fears, instead of succumbing to them, I used them as fuel to push myself harder and refine my strategies to learn English as quickly as possible.

To silence my inner critic, I established small, attainable milestones for this project and celebrated each achievement, no matter how small. Seeking assistance from my ESL teacher for preparation and feedback not only provided fresh perspectives but also improved my confidence. On the day of the presentation, I had to work very hard to manage my inner critic because it came stronger than ever. I delivered a presentation compelling enough to capture Professor Santaloff’s attention. He approached me afterward for feedback, which I welcomed with a wide smile and gave him an unexpected hug, making the moment slightly awkward. Nonetheless, I stayed excited and happy, because I had accomplished my goal.

Let’s talk about this:

That was one instance where I successfully managed my inner critic, but there have been countless others where I wasn't as successful. If you can relate, you might agree that inner criticism often feels incredibly convincing. Self-doubt and inner criticism tend to arise when we're presented with opportunities to step forward and be visible, whether in life or at work. It's as if our inner critic wants us to remain small, both personally and professionally. It evokes feelings of shame ("I'm not enough"), scarcity ("What can I offer that's truly original?"), or, in a job interview scenario, thoughts like, "I'm certain others are better qualified for this role than I am." It also triggers comparisons, such as "My colleague is far more experienced; he should lead the project instead”.

Once, I heard a psychologist explain that as babies, we don't possess inner critics; for instance, a baby crying in the crib doesn't have internal thoughts like "don't be a crying baby." Our inner critic develops from external influences, often feeding us messages that, despite feeling true, aren't necessarily accurate. It's crucial to recognize cues that challenge these "voices" and rationalize their validity.

For instance, before a significant presentation, parts of us might feel unsafe, triggering the inner critic's urge to protect by discouraging us from exposing ourselves. In such moments, it's essential to acknowledge the inner critic's presence but not allow it to control us. We can address it directly, saying, "Thank you for your input, but I've got this. You don't make decisions for me."

When your inner critic stirs up thoughts, assertively remind it: "I acknowledge you, but I'll show up regardless, and I'm not interested in your feedback." However, distinguishing between the inner critic and realistic, critical thinking can be tricky. One key indicator is the tone of your thoughts: the inner critic tends to be repetitive ("This won't work"), binary ("You'll fail or succeed, but I'm sure you'll fail"), and often harsher than the way you'd speak to a loved one. If the voices in your head are meaner and harsher, that's likely your inner critic speaking.

The realist thinking or your critical thinking (those that we really need to listen) are more “forward moving” like if you are been recently promoted to a manager position and you think you are not doing well - “I have evidences that I am not managing this team well, granted the negative impact on performance, so what can I do to better support my team? I will talk to Julia who is more experienced than I am and brainstorm some next steps for me to improve my leadership skills”.

I attempted to research inner criticism to validate a commonly held assumption: that women experience more self-doubt than men. Some studies support this idea, while others refute it. However, what remains consistent across research is that women tend to feel more inner criticism or self-doubt in environments dominated by traditionally male-oriented paths, such as negotiation skills or C-level leadership positions. Conversely, in areas typically associated with women, like listening and relational skills, men may experience more self-doubt.

I love cooking and I am far from being a chef, but I find peace and enjoyment making food for my family. And the other day I was thinking how inner criticism can be illustrated in a kitchen scenario. Imagine your mind as a busy restaurant kitchen. Your inner critic is the nitpicky sous-chef who constantly points out what might go wrong and scrutinizes every ingredient, while your bias to action is the head chef, confidently moving forward, experimenting, and creating dishes.

How do we calm the nitpicky sous-chef? We recognize the sous-chef’s intent to ensure quality, but limit their input to avoid affecting progress. The head chef might listen to their concerns but ultimately make the decisions. At the same time, we remind the sous-chef that perfection is not the goal—delicious, well-prepared dishes are. Mistakes are part of the process and can lead to unexpected improvements. 

How do we amplify our actions to show up more and be seen?

We keep cooking. The head chef maintains momentum by continuously cooking and refining recipes. Similarly, maintain your bias to action by consistently taking steps toward your goals, learning, and adapting along the way. All the while, celebrating small wins. Like a chef tasting and adjusting seasoning as they go, celebrate small achievements to keep morale high and maintain forward momentum.

We use a clear recipe (a plan) to guide our actions. Clear goals provide structure and reduce the inner critic’s opportunities to create doubt. And we need to be open to regularly review our progress and refine our approach, much like a chef perfects a dish over time. 

By managing the sous-chef and empowering the head chef, you can keep your inner critic in check and amplify your bias to action, continuously creating and improving along the way.

In everyday situations, like work or spending time with family and friends, when we try something new, exciting, or challenging, our inner critic might pop up. It's important to notice it but not let it hold us back from growing and trying new things.

What excellence looks like:

• We manage our inner criticism by recognizing and challenging negative self-talk while cultivating self-compassion.

• We set realistic goals and seek feedback.

• We focus on personal growth, limiting comparisons and shame.

​​Food for Thought:

"Comparison is the thief of joy." by Theodore Roosevelt

Call for action:

• What would you attempt if you knew you wouldn't be judged by anyone, including yourself?

Resources:

Chatter - The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It - in this book Ethan Kross gives simple and easy actions for us to take to quiet our internal chatter.