Uncoordinated octopus: finding balance between personal and professional lives

"Sit tight, here comes the story"

The bright morning sun shone into Lila’s home office, lighting up her messy desk with books and articles she used for her latest project. As she focused on her work, her phone beeped with a message from Mia, her friend without kids: “Got a free slot for lunch?”

Lila thought for a moment, considering her approaching project deadline and the early school pick up today. Then she replied, not recognizing herself with her decision:

“Sure, Pluto’s at 11:30?”

Taking this break meant Lila could come back to work feeling refreshed and ready to tackle her tasks.

At Pluto’s, Lila chatted about her kids’ busy schedules and upcoming school events, while Mia listened with genuine interest, eating her salad. 

"They drive me crazy sometimes. They are the hardest project I ever led in my life, but I wouldn't trade it for anything," Lila laughed.

“I don’t know how you do it all,” Mia remarked with admiration. She loved spending time with her friend and hearing about her family adventures.

Later that day, Lila navigated through video calls with international clients, strategizing for an upcoming campaign. Despite the demands of her family's evening routine, she survived. Meanwhile, Mia participated in a virtual brainstorming session with her team. Her innovative ideas sparked enthusiasm among her colleagues, propelling the project forward. As the meeting wrapped up, a colleague remarked, “Your insights are always so valuable.”

As Mia walked her dog later that day, she felt content and fulfilled. While her life didn’t revolve around kids, her career brought her challenges, growth, and meaningful relationships. She treasured being able to juggle work with moments of friendship, learning, and personal passions.

On the other side of town, lying in bed that night, Lila mulled over Mia’s remarks—how does she manage it all? Balancing family and work can be tricky. But as exhaustion from her busy day finally pushed her toward sleep, a sense of gratitude washed over her. The truth is, Lila could handle it all because of her incredible support system—her partner, her parents' help, and her friends. Over time, she learned the value of asking for help and being okay with doing “good enough” instead of chasing perfection.

Let’s talk about this

Are you searching for that magic formula to balance work and family perfectly? Well, sorry to say, I don’t have it! But, coming from someone who juggled career and family life, I've got some stories to tell! Please keep in mind that I don’t want to prove myself or I am saying this is the way to go, but I hope that the stories and comments below will blaze a trail for others to try.

Achieving a balance between family and work is essential for women's holistic well-being, career success, and fulfilling personal relationships. A few years ago my passion for my career blinded me to see that the passion had became an obsession and the fulfillment that I always find at work had not been there anymore, which led me to burnout and stress-related health issues (it triggered an auto-imune disease that I never knew I had it). The first point - holistic well being destroyed - checked. 

I felt stuck at work, things that wouldn’t bother me too much became so big that all I could see and feel at work was stress. It was like I attracted all the problems to myself. Second point - career success at a standstill status - checked. And finally I realized that there were so many good friends of mine that I hadn’t seen for months (maybe years), because in juggling a demanding career, three small kids, marriage, and family consumed all my time and close friends became secondary in my life. Third point - fulfilling personal relationships failed - checked. 

It wasn't anyone's fault that I went through all of that before realizing something needed to change. I became consumed by my hectic day-to-day demands and neglected myself. That's when I learned a few crucial lessons that transformed my life and brought greater balance between my career and personal life. These changes allowed me to stay engaged and productive in all my roles: as a leader, a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.

Lesson #1: “It takes a village”

There is a need for a collective effort to nurture and guide us toward success and well-being. We need others. Life presents challenges, responsibilities, and tasks that can be overwhelming at times, and having support from others can make a significant difference. Whether it's assistance with work-related projects, emotional support during tough times, or help with everyday tasks (like picking up your kids from school), everyone can benefit from a supportive community or network of friends and family. We can’t solve all our problems alone and we don’t need to. 

My husband and I are very blessed to have my parents living close to us and helping with the kids. But it took me years to learn to be okay with asking for help. One day, my dad said: “Don’t you trust me and your mom to take care of your kids?” That was a hard blow. Of course, I trust my parents with my life, but it was the sense of being a superwoman that blocked me from acknowledging that I needed help. I needed to let go and understand that my parents' help wouldn’t make me a worse mom. On the contrary, by sharing tasks, I can now invest time and energy in nurturing meaningful relationships with my children, husband, extended family, and friends. Who is part of your village?

Lesson #2: Don’t chase perfection - Embrace the Uncoordinated Octopus mindset

The question Mia asked Lila is one that's echoed in my life too: “how do you manage it all?” Truth be told, I’m still figuring that out. Some days, it feels like I’m juggling a dozen things at once: “mommy!”, “stop that!”, “I’m hungry”, “10-minute meeting alarm!”, “Slack pings”, and a flood of email notifications. On those days, I daydream about escaping to a jungle, surrounded only by the soothing sounds of nature.Those are the days that I feel like an uncoordinated octopus. I sure get things done, but as clumsily as a wobbly octopus learning to swim.

In the past, days like those would put me in a bad mood and make me feel terrible when I went to bed. I'd dwell on how I failed as a mom, a professional, and a wife. But I don’t feel like that anymore. I've learned to embrace imperfection. Yes, I might feel bad if I yelled at my kids, but after I calm down, we talk, apologize if needed, and move forward. We learn from our mistakes, have open conversations, and practice forgiveness, for each other and for myself too.

Women without kids often face similar challenges. Society expects us to excel in our careers while also maintaining a perfectly clean home with everything in order. It begs the question: are these pressures from society or are we setting these high expectations for ourselves? 

The opportunity I see for us women is that we are too hard on ourselves trying to solve all the problems of the world by ourselves. We don’t stop until we've pushed ourselves to the edge of exhaustion - it is a price we pay for perfection. We don’t need to do that, relaxing and focusing on what we need is not a waste of time, it is an investment in our wellbeing.

We work just as hard, if not harder than men, both at work and at home. Even within our households, domestic responsibilities tend to fall more on women. Why is that? In my case, before having kids, my husband and I had a division of tasks. Weekends were for deep cleaning, and during the week, I handled cooking while he did the dishes. However, I soon realized that cooking involved much more than just the meal - it included grocery shopping, food preparation, and cleanup. Meanwhile, I found myself doing small chores every day while my husband was content with once-a-week cleaning. This led to resentment building up because our definitions of "clean" differed. It highlighted the importance of adjusting roles and having open conversations to ensure fairness and mutual understanding in our relationship. 

With so many tasks in our daily lives, sometimes each task seems to have a life of its own, much like the octopus's tentacles, stretching in different directions without a clear plan. Our actions during those busy days may not always be perfectly coordinated and that’s ok. Despite the madness, sometimes I chuckle at the resemblance of my hectic days to an octopus navigating the ocean- it is about adapting and finding our rhythm without the pressure of perfection in every moment.

Lesson #3: Be gentle to yourself 

I once heard that "having a balanced life provides women with resilience and adaptability in managing various life challenges. It enables them to navigate transitions such as career changes, family dynamics, and personal growth with greater ease." Beautifully said, but so challenging to practice.

I believe women are experts in resilience. We have to fight hard for our place in society, at work, and unfortunately, sometimes, in our own relationships. This struggle builds resilience in us, helping us face complex and pressing problems that pile up in our lives. Resilience is a form of growth. Therefore, I see it as a significant advantage because through resilience, we grow, learn, and expand our skills and emotional capabilities.

I had two situations in the past that really touched my heart and left me feeling sad and contemplative for weeks. And it illustrates how being hard on yourself doesn’t help with anything. One time when Lara, my daughter, was 2 years old, she grabbed my purse and said: “Bye everyone, I am going on a business trip” then walked towards the door. My husband laughed at the situation, but I found myself crying. She was imitating me, recalling the days when I used to travel frequently for work. Years later, when Luca was in first grade, he wrote a letter for me on Mother’s Day. Among the beautiful sentiments he expressed, one word caught my attention: “she is a very hard worker”. Once again, tears rolled down my cheeks.

Resilience shows up in these two stories through the emotions of sadness and thoughtfulness that the situations evoke for me. Despite the challenges and emotional impact of being away from my children due to work, I reflect on these moments with a mix of sadness and gratitude,  highlighting resilience in facing the complexities of balancing work and family life. Despite the tears shed, I carried on and I appreciate the love and understanding shown by my children.

 

I won't deny that even today, these kinds of situations still touch my heart. However, I've learned not to feel guilty anymore for enjoying my work, for finding fulfillment in my career. I no longer feel the need to apologize for being who I am—I'm a great mom and a successful professional who loves what she does.

I am a role model for my kids and balancing work and family life sets a positive example for them, showing them that it is possible to pursue career goals while also prioritizing family and personal time. I like to believe that this approach will help society to break gender stereotypes and encourage future generations to strive for a balanced life.

How excellence looks like:

• We identify who are the people that can help us in different areas of your life and we ask for help

• We are ok in being imperfect and acting imperfectly when the demands are too high

• We are easy on ourselves and keep building resilience and learning from past experiences

Food for Thought:

“You are doing too many things that aren’t primary to you” - Tara Westover 

Call for action:

• I hope this post inspires you to think about what has been working for you when it comes to balancing life and work.

• Encourage conversations with your partners and friends about how they see this balance and how we can all take action to create a more supportive environment for women in various areas of life.

Resources:

• Lean in - Sheryl Sandberg’s book - she discusses challenges faced by women in the workplace and encourages women to pursue their career ambitions while also balancing family responsibilities.

• The gifts of imperfection  - Brene Brown discusses vulnerability, shame, and the importance of embracing imperfection.