Meaningful connections for a happier life

"Sit tight, here comes the story"

Lila had just received some challenging news at work from her peer John. She usually has a hard time with John. They not only have very different personalities and interests but they also differ in their leadership styles. Even though Lila tries to find ways to connect with John, her attempts are useless. Lately Lila decided to stop forcing a personal relationship with John and keep it purely professional, but even with this approach, Lila is not comfortable with him.

Lila leaves the virtual meeting with John struggling to keep her composure. She looks flustered and stressed. She needs to get to another call with her other peer Pedro, who Lila has a good trusting work relationship.  Pedro sees her worried expression and quickly asks:

“Why are you as red as your shirt? What happened?” 

“I just had a horrible interaction with John. As if it was not enough having to hear that he got permission to hire 4 people while my team has been underwater for months, he continues with his passive-aggressive behaviors that drive me crazy”. Lila vents, feeling grateful that Pedro is there to hear her out. 

“Do you think that if it was Bianca who got to hire those 4 people you would feel the same way?” By swapping out the main character of the problem, John, with Bianca, who is not only a woman but also a close work friend of Lila, Pedro tries to put things into perspective.

"I don’t know. Maybe I wouldn’t feel as upset. John frustrates me so much with the constant miscommunication between us, my failed attempts to connect with him and get to know him better, and the way he makes me feel incompetent with his superiority. Anyway, I know I need to work on myself first, accept things as they are, and find ways to be okay with who he is."

With a comforting smile, Pedro listens attentively, offering words of empathy and encouragement to Lila. Lila can’t help but feel a sense of relief wash over her, grateful for Pedro’s kindness in her time of need. It is so good to have this sense of connection and understanding when she is talking to Pedro. Their interactions always serve as a reminder that sometimes, the greatest gift we can give to others is the gift of relational intelligence – the ability to empathize, connect, and uplift those around us, even in the smallest of moments.

Let's talk about this:

The quality of our relationships determines our quality of life. Have you thought of how many people cross our lives everyday? We meet people at work, at the gym, during kids’ activities drop offs, friend of a friend, family members. We interact with people every day virtually or in person. How do we choose who we build relationships with? Can we choose or sometimes the relationship is imposed on us (like co-workers)? For the people we have relationships with already (colleagues, friends, family members), what is the quality of the relationship? Do you have a “John” in your life? That type of relationship you NEED to get along with a person, even when you rather not to? And in this situation, what do we do? 

Building and maintaining relationships requires work and dedication. When we go into building a new relationship we arrive with lots of expectations, like we want to feel heard, supported, trusted, loved and fulfilled. When those expectations are not met, it can lead to disappointment, anger, discomfort.

Human connections can vary greatly. There are instances when we meet someone and instantly feel a strong connection. Shared interests and a natural rapport make the interaction easy and enjoyable. On the other hand, some relationships, like Lila's with her co-worker John, are challenging to establish and sustain. Despite efforts, the connection feels hard to grasp and difficult to maintain over time. 

For those difficult, but necessary relationships I like to use a simple formula: connect and communicate. 

Connect

A fundamental principle to foster genuine connections is to understand ourselves first before engaging with others. Self-awareness plays a crucial role as it helps us identify our values, preferences, and boundaries. By knowing ourselves deeply, we become better equipped to understand and connect with others authentically. However, it's essential to strike a balance between our own needs and desires and those of others. Failure to find this balance can hinder meaningful connections. On the other hand, achieving this equilibrium ensures that our interactions are enriching and mutually fulfilling.

Building connections involves navigating a two-way street where we both give and receive love, attention, time, and more. Adam Grant explores this dynamic in his book "Give and Take," where he categorizes individuals as givers, takers, or matchers based on how they approach giving and receiving in their personal and professional lives. Grant highlights that givers, who prioritize helping others without immediate expectations, often find long-term success and fulfillment, while takers prioritize self-interest. Ultimately, embracing a giving mindset can lead to personal growth and achievement. Take a moment to reflect on your relationships: Are you a giver, a taker, or a matcher?

For most of us, women, we have a tendency to give more than we take. It is what the sisters Emily and Amelia Nagoski refer to as the Human Giver Syndrome, in their book Burnout. 

"Human Giver Syndrome" is a term used to describe societal expectations placed on individuals, often women, to prioritize caregiving, meeting others' needs, and fulfilling societal roles at the expense of their own well-being. While it is natural to want to give, it is important to strike a balance and avoid overextending ourselves to the detriment of our own health and well-being.

Let’s envision life as a theatrical performance, with each of us playing different roles. Similarly, in relationships, we take on various roles such as decision-makers, cooks, listeners, party organizers, conflict mediators, the happy one, the grumpy one, etc. Sometimes, we continue playing these roles for extended periods, even if we never auditioned for them (like Lila dealing with a difficult peer). However, there comes a point when we realize that the role we are portraying no longer aligns with our needs, values, or identity. This realization may prompts us to reconsider and possibly make changes within the relationship or, in more drastic cases, to distance ourselves from it altogether.

If you just started a new job (like I did a few weeks ago), or met a new potential friend or new partner, you are most likely still building relationships. If that is the case, the points below may help you to navigate on these waters of new connections seamlessly:

• Show genuine interest in getting to know them. Lean into curiosity by asking questions about them. 

• Listen more - Have you thought about why we have two ears and only one mouth? Because we should listen more and speak less. Especially when we are trying to connect with other people. 

• For someone to feel heard, we need to show that we paid attention, understood and we can demonstrate that we listened by adding to what was said, showing empathy and validation of their feelings.  

• Look for common interests but be open to accept the differences.

• Don’t get into the conversation with your “own agenda”, instead seek understanding, more than trying to be understood. 

• Avoid what Steven Covey says: “most people don’t listen with the intent to understand, they listen with the intent to reply”.

• Avoid making shortcuts when getting to know someone. For example: I am a Latina and I meet a Black woman, and naturally I assume that we connect because both of us are part of a less represented group. In this case, I would be generalizing and making assumptions. We may connect over that, or maybe we won’t connect over being minority, but we may connect over being moms. Correct your mistakes and learn from them. 

So, let's say you're already in a challenging relationship and trying to improve it. The first step is to demonstrate flexibility and avoid feeling hurt or withdrawing if your efforts to connect are not immediately returned. But how not to take it personally?

First, pay attention to the phenomenon known as "Confirmation Bias," which refers to people's tendency to seek out, interpret, favor, and remember information in a manner that aligns with their existing beliefs or hypotheses. In Lila's story, she entered the conversation already convinced of John's arrogance. When she heard him proudly discussing growing his team, it only confirmed her preconceived notion of his "superiority." This new information served to reinforce her existing opinion of him. It's possible that during that conversation, John was attempting (in his own way) to show attentiveness, care, and warmth toward Lila, but she overlooked it because she was focused on confirming her belief: that he is self-centered and likes to brag about his accomplishments. Lila definitely had a confirmation bias around John’s personality and communication style.

And secondly, practicing empathy, setting boundaries, and fostering open communication while prioritizing self-care and managing expectations can promote mutual understanding and personal well-being. And fortunately, Lila did well in seeking support from a trusted individual (her friend Pedro) who helped her to gain perspective to navigate her next challenging interaction with John, effectively.

Communication

Esther Perel has a great analogy for communication. She says that every time we say something to someone is like our words travel in a land of expectations, assumptions, misunderstandings about the meaning of the words, and filters on how we experience the message that arrives to us. Then, our listener responds, and the trip makes it back to us through the same land. 

Can you imagine the amount of things that can go wrong during that trip back and forth? Intention, delivery, reception, interpretation and response. So many changes that somewhere things will fall through the cracks. So who is responsible for the miscommunication? The speaker or the receiver? Simple answer: Both. 

Let’s do an exercise of giving sentences meaning, recognizing their impact on different people. For example, during a recent work session, I used the phrase "Not even Jesus pleased everyone, so we will have to make the most of this situation and move on." This comment was meant to convey resilience in dealing with challenges. However, a team member approached me afterward and expressed discomfort, explaining that the mention of Jesus was triggering due to negative past experiences with religion. I took this feedback seriously and made sure to avoid such references in the future. This situation taught me the importance of considering diverse perspectives and being mindful of how our words can be received and interpreted. Lesson learned!

If we consistently practice genuine connection with curiosity, active listening, and empathy, combined with thoughtful communication that reflects care, understanding, and self-awareness, we lay a solid foundation for building and nurturing strong relationships. By ensuring that both parties' needs and expectations are acknowledged and addressed, we pave the way for joyful and meaningful connections filled with love, trust, and fulfillment in our lives.

How excellence looks like:

• “I need to know me, before I get to know you!” - it is important that we take a look at ourselves. Look for behaviors and recognize patterns we have when trying to connect with people. Reframe them if needed. 

• We avoid confirmation bias by striving to seek out diverse perspectives, actively question our assumptions, gather information from reliable sources, and be open to changing your beliefs based on evidence and new insights.

• We are mindful that when we engage in communication, our words carry their intended meanings as they travel through various channels. However, nuances such as the delivery of the message, the listener's reception, interpretation, and subsequent response may lead to miscommunication.

Food for Thought:

“Take your integrity, your curiosity, your guts and the new found education of yours and use it to make a difference. When you step out in love, you become someone else’s hope” by Oprah Winfrey.

Call for action:

• In what roles have you found yourself without having auditioned for them? How do you resign from such roles, and what does it take?

Resources:

• How is Work? Esther Perel - in many episodes of this series, she talks about relational intelligence - ability to navigate and manage interpersonal relationships effectively.

• Give and Take - Adam Grant