Listen to me!

 

"Sit tight, here comes the story"

At Work

Lila needs to communicate to her team about a new project (let’s call it Project D) that needs to be prioritized. Recently, her team has been very busy with many projects going on at the same time. She knows it is going to be hard to get their buy-in to prioritize this new project. It is time to share the details of the project, its scope, timelines, roles and responsibilities. Her intention is to communicate it in a way that they will want to get involved, feel engaged and motivated to do it and do it well. In her team meeting, after they chat a bit about the weekend, and check in with each other, she approaches them to talk business:

“Hi team, you have been fantastic in the last few weeks keeping project A, B and C moving. I am very proud of the work that has been done so far. You know that Project D is coming up soon and I understand that your bandwidth is nearly zero at the moment. Am I correct in my assumption?  

She hears them out - let them vent a bit about how busy they are. After acknowledging their overwhelming feeling, she continues: 

“Project D is a priority right now and we will have to find a way to make it happen. You are excellent collaborators and I know I can count on you for this. Any ideas on what we could do to make this project successful while keeping the others moving along?”

At Home

Lila’s husband has been extremely busy at work and has been coming home late from work for the last 3 weeks. He gets home after dinner and the kids are already in bed. Lila is angry and frustrated with this behavior. Even though she understands that work sometimes requires a lot of both of them, she has been upset about how he is not putting boundaries at work. His behavior is affecting her and the family dynamics in general. When he comes home tonight, she asks when would be a good time for them to chat about a problem. He says that after a shower, they can talk while he eats. The moment arrives for the conversation:

“You know how you have come home late from work?” she asks.

“Yes” he answers, sensing trouble ahead. 

Lila continues: “I need to tell you that it is putting me in a tight spot. I am tired from a day of work, then the kids, preparing dinner, giving them a bath, reading them bedtime stories, etc. I don’t have even 5 minutes of downtime. It is a go, go, go”.

The husband is feeling defensive because he knows he is guilty of not helping but also he is sympathetic with Lila’s position.

He says: “I don’t want you to be exhausted. It is just that work has demanded a lot from me lately and I have a hard time balancing family and work at the moment”.

“I know, but I just want you to know that it is getting really hard for me and for our family. What can we do to make it better?” Lila invites him to problem-solve the situation. Together they brainstorm some small changes in their routines to give Lila what she needs. They leave the conversation feeling like a “team” that together will solve a problem, without resentment and anger. 

Let's talk about this:

Both of the situations Lila faced, at work and at home, had all plentiful reasons to escalate. At work, as the boss, she could demand her team to deliver one more project, like: “Hey everyone, work has been very busy lately and I am sorry to say that we need to deliver Project D in two weeks. Figure it out how you are going to do that!”. The result would be: team disengagement, stress building and the quality of the project (if delivered on time) would probably be bad. Not to say how resentful the team would feel towards Lila.

At home, in addition to her physical exhaustion, her frustration towards her husband’s behavior were the perfect combination for her to have a meltdown and/or an aggressive fight, if she were to approach him right after he walks to the door by saying: “I can’t believe you don’t see how selfish you are. You are always late. You don’t think about your kids, let alone your wife.” Certainly, his reaction would likely become defensive, leading the argument to escalate into anger and dissatisfaction with each other, ultimately hindering the resolution of the underlying issue.

As Zits’ cartoon on top of the page shows, juggling your own needs and those of others can be a challenge. Communication is essential for us to master because it satisfies the practical and social needs we have, it can enhance our physical health and emotional well-being. Competent communicators have a repertoire of behaviors and they are able to choose the best behavior for a given situation and perform it very well. Let’s pinpoint what behaviors Lila displayed in both scenes:

At work:

• Connect, then solve: Lila spent some time in the beginning of the meeting connecting with her team by genuinely asking questions about their weekend and checking in with them. Then, she moves into talking business, by first recognizing the work they’ve done and giving them credit. In the work environment, we have a tendency to jump into the problem at hand and forget that the problem will be solved by people. Businesses are people and people need human connection to be motivated to learn, to grow and to give back.
• Invite them to problem-solving: instead of giving them the solution for the problem, she demonstrates to be open minded and receptive to opposing viewpoints. This will not only help them to be more involved and engaged in the solution, but also, it will help her to move the project forward, because she is nothing without her team supporting her. 
• Avoid assumptions + Pay attention, understand, demonstrate you listened: Lila can see how busy the team is, and she uses this time to check in with them about her assumptions and let them talk a bit about what is frustrating them about the busy work. That’s when she pays attention to what is being said, acknowledges their feelings and demonstrates that she listened and understood. This behavior helps Lila to create a safe environment for her team and also keep her up to date how the work is evolving and the effort behind it - how the people are feeling about it. 
• Word choices: have you noticed that Lila said: “you are good helpers” instead of “can you help me?”. Nouns relate more to a person's identity and by addressing the noun (“helper”), it will probably encourage reflection on the team’s part, so maybe this will not be only a change in behavior for this project (they will help her now) but a “helper” identity that they will embrace and indeed help her in whatever she needs.

At home:

• Timing: Lila asks the husband when it is the best time to discuss something important to her. Sometimes we feel like talking/ venting, but our partner doesn’t. Or we are in the mood for a fight, the other is not. My husband and I have learned that when we go to bed late at night, is not the best time for us to bring up “hot topics” because we are both exhausted and not in our best behaviors and moods. Mornings or lunchtime are the best for us to tackle hard conversations. At work, keep this in mind as well. When you need to have a critical conversation, ask the person if that is the best time for it. They might not be in their best day and a day later, the feedback will be better received. 
• “I” language: Lila starts by stating what SHE needs. Instead of blaming him, she shows how she feels when he gets home late and how it impacts her (and the kids). When we use “You” language, usually we want to assign blame and responsibility. “You are selfish when you arrive late and are inconsiderate about your family” instead she uses: “I need you to hear that I feel in a tight spot when I don’t have 5 minutes of downtime because I have to deal with the house and the kids, in addition to my work”. By using “I” language, it was possible for Lila to confront the husband honestly, and without blaming or attacking him personally. 
• Universal language: When we use words like: always, never, often, usually, we discourage the other to change. We imply a fixed or unchangeable behavior, we discourage the other from considering or making changes. When we use more flexible language, we give room for growth and adaptation. Instead of saying: “You never listen to me”, try: “I feel that my opinions sometimes aren’t heard”. Nobody can’t argue about how you feel, the feeling is yours. But the moment you blame or judge them, defensiveness will arise. 

How excellence looks like:

• We use more “I” language instead of “you” language during conversations, especially hard ones.
• We substitute universal words like always and never to more specific behaviors.
• We use more nouns to focus on qualities or characteristics rather than specific actions (verbs) so we can inspire reflection and promote positive self-perception (i.e: “I am a runner” - even though I just starting to run)

Food for Thought:

The next time you feel like Jeremy (in the cartoon), take a moment to think about the tips above. I can guarantee that if you implement some of them in your relationships, it will improve considerably. 

Call for action:

• Visualize situation in your life when you might have said any of the following message:

• “You are not telling me the truth

• “You think only of yourself”

• “Don’t be so touchy”

• “You don’t understand a word I am saying”

• Write alternatives to each of them, using “I” language

Resources:

• Looking in, Looking out - this is a textbook that I used in the first class I took (“Interpersonal Communication”) when I arrived in the USA. It inspired me to dig deeper into the world of Interpersonal communication and it has helped me mold my communication style and consequently improved the health of the relationships I have.

• Finding Dori - in this movie, as Dori finds her way back home, effective communication is what helps her find her path.