Lessons from my daughter

Today, as we celebrate International Women’s Day, the post will feature two personal stories (at work and with family) in honor of the three most important women in my life: my grandma, my mom and my daughter. I’ve learned so much with these women. My grandma taught me about fighting for my independence as hard as fighting for love. My mom is my role model for a charismatic, loving and empathetic person. And the biggest lesson of all came from Lara, my 7 years old daughter. Check it out below to see what it was.

"Sit tight, here comes the story"

At home

Lara and I, my 7-year-old daughter, were lying on the backyard couch on an autumn afternoon. Each of us is immersed in our reading. These are the rare moments of calmness that I so appreciate amidst the chaos of work, marriage, and children. I try to make the most of them when they arise. 

While reading an intriguing chapter about the social pressure imposed on women, I reflected on the constant need to exceed expectations as exemplary daughters, perfect wives, impeccable mothers, successful employees and always-present friends.

A tornado of emotions and thoughts invaded my mind when Lara asked me, "Do you think you're beautiful, mommy?" A question out of the blue. What could have motivated such a question? What did she read in her book that led her to ask this question? The question caught me completely off guard, or perhaps I was so immersed in reflecting on how society imposes standards on women that, without hesitation, I replied, "No, I don't think I'm beautiful."

Before I even finished the sentence, I realized the huge mistake I had made. And Lara's expression of indignation only confirmed my suspicions. 

"How can you be so mean to yourself?" Lara asked, with her sweet and childish voice that at the same time sounded as firm as that of a mature woman. What example am I conveying to her about self-esteem and self-love?

In a matter of seconds, a movie passed through my mind: a 5-year-old girl running happily down the sidewalk, while her worried mother warned, "you'll break a bone." The comment came from a mother who constantly worried about her daughter's weight. The self-criticism seed had been planted. In the next scene of this movie, the girl was now a teenager about to turn15, still thin and without the breasts and buttocks that her friends already proudly displayed. The young girl didn't compare her academic achievements, but rather her physical appearance, always measuring herself against her already developed friends. And in the climax of this movie, it was college graduation day, at the peak of her thinness. She shone as the class speaker during the commencement ceremony, a speech that she had never watched, as looking at that thin girl was impossible.

The scenes of maximum self-criticism were interrupted by Lara's serious expression, awaiting an explanation. At that moment, I realized that the low self-esteem about my physical appearance cultivated throughout a lifetime needs to be healed immediately. This little person in front of me, sees me as a heroine, absorbing every gesture of mine, from how I hold my purse to the way I express myself and move. What example am I providing to her in terms of self-esteem, self-love, and self-confidence at this moment? The idea that one day she may question her own beauty breaks my heart.

"Lara, actually, I love my long eyelashes, which enhance the sparkle in my eyes. I have a special affection for my belly because it was able to shelter and nurture three babies, who are the treasures I love more than anything in this life. But what really captivates me about myself is my personality and charisma" - my expression reflected genuine joy, an unexpected revelation of appreciation for myself.

So the conversation diverges into what charisma means. Lara ends up saying all the things she loves when she sees herself in the mirror and says: "I think I'm charismatic just like you, mommy!"

At work

During a Leadership workshop in the US, only 3 out of 25 attendees were from other countries, including myself. The majority were Americans, both male and female. As discussions unfolded and we presented our ideas on leadership, I couldn't help but feel intimidated by the articulate and flawless English communication of my American counterparts. Despite having comparable leadership experience, if not more in some cases, I found myself solely focused on their linguistic fluency. In doing so, I overlooked my own strengths and contributions to leadership. This narrow comparison significantly impacted my self-esteem and overall well-being.

Let's talk about this:

I will start by stating how hard it is to be vulnerable, and talk about the areas where we feel less confident. It is very hard to be open, honest and authentic about our thoughts, feelings and experiences (especially publicly). We feel exposed and afraid of being judged. We learn from an early age that being vulnerable is synonymous with being weak. But this is not true. If we have the courage to be vulnerable and expose ourselves emotionally, we can build strong connections, foster empathy and cultivate resilience. 

So, here I am, opening up about my insecurities with the intention that they might inspire you to take a hard look into yourself and find ways to build your own self-esteem by looking at you as a whole, not only parts of you. Being vulnerable is tougher when we have low self-esteem because we might worry that opening up will make others reject or criticize us, making us feel even worse about ourselves.

Reflecting on both experiences – one with my daughter and the other with a group of esteemed leaders – I realized the importance of not allowing my self-esteem, or lack thereof, to shape my self-perception. It takes work to explore myself without being too hard on myself, and instead, to accept my true authentic self with kindness and self compassion.

In the book "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown, she emphasizes the importance of cultivating self-compassion, authenticity, and resilience in the face of societal pressures to be perfect. I may never speak like an American, and that's okay. Perhaps that's what makes me unique. I will never look like Gisele Bündchen, and that's okay too. I bring my own uniqueness that makes me just as special as Gisele or my American kids, who speak English fluently without an accent.

We let situations or people shake up our self-esteem because we compare ourselves with them. According to Brené Brown, comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other - it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out. Comparison says “Be like everyone else, but better”. It is not being yourself and respecting others for being authentic, it is “Fit in, but win”. 

Comparing ourselves to others often leads to feelings of inadequacy or superiority. When we constantly measure ourselves against those we see as better, we may feel like we never measure up. On the other hand, when we compare ourselves to those we view as less important, we may fall into the trap of feeling superior, which can lead to narcissism. Ultimately, comparisons rarely make us feel good. Instead, a possible solution is to look to people who inspire us with admiration. We can be inspired by their abilities, accomplishments, or character, which can motivate us to become better versions of ourselves.

As for our imperfections and vulnerabilities, we can live happier and more fulfilling lives, if we accept and embrace them and find strength and fulfillment in our authenticity. 

Going back to the leadership seminar, at that time, I was comparing myself to others. Since then, I've made a deliberate effort to no longer let myself feel intimidated. While my English may have an accent and some grammar mistakes, I know my content is strong. I have experience, knowledge, and humility, which enable me to continue learning and growing.

When I reflect on my conversation with my daughter, I feel ashamed that I began it on the wrong foot. As her mother, I have many life lessons to still teach her, but the most crucial one was taught to me by her: the importance of self-love. I fell short in that regard, and it was my daughter who became my teacher. Upon reflection, I undoubtedly see myself as beautiful because beauty transcends society's imposed standards: long, straight hair, a sculpted body, tanned skin, perfect teeth, absence of wrinkles and cellulite, and so forth. True beauty is looking in the mirror and feeling proud of what you see, proud of the person you are, and proud of the choices you make in life. Yes, I see myself as beautiful!

How excellence looks like:

• We prefer to admire people whom we consider inspirations for us, rather than comparing ourselves to them.
• We exercise self-compassion and give ourselves more grace regarding our imperfections.
• We are careful on how we talk to the kids around us, so we don’t plant the “seed of self criticism” in their minds
• We are open to learning from whoever it may be, even if it is from a 7-year-old child.

Food for Thought:

"I have learned that self-love is really a daily practice, and I don't think we talk about it enough. We talk about taking care of everyone else, but we forget to take care of ourselves." - Michelle Obama

Call for action:

• Take some time to reflect on moments when you felt proud of yourself or when you achieved something meaningful. Write down these achievements, big or small, and include qualities about yourself that you admire. 
• Pay attention to the way you speak to yourself and challenge any negative or self-critical thoughts that arise. Replace these negative thoughts with positive affirmations and statements of self-compassion. For example, instead of saying "I'm such a failure for making that mistake," reframe it as "I made a mistake, but I can learn from it and do better next time."

Resources:

• The gifts of imperfection  - this book from Brené Brown covers important topics on how to live a wholehearted and fulfilled life, and it emphasizes the importance of embracing vulnerability, letting go of perfectionism, and cultivating self-compassion. 
• The Atlas of the Heart - another book from Brené Brown that I use frequently when feeling any type of distress. She does an amazing job mapping out hundreds of emotions. The idea is that when we create language about our emotions and feelings, it is easier to manage them. 
• Stretching and Chasing - Unlocking Us podcast hosted by Brené Brown - this conversation offers valuable insights and practical advice for navigating challenges, embracing authenticity, and fostering personal and professional growth. Mainly importantly, for this post is how embracing imperfection can lead to greater resilience and authenticity in both personal and professional life.