The dance of non verbal communication

​​

"Sit tight, here comes the story"

Lila is attempting to hush the internal buzz that's urging her to shout out her thoughts to the team. It's day two of our four-day event with the international co-workers, marking their inaugural international summit with partners from different corners of the world in the sunny city of San Diego, California. The company’s international growth was slower than they expected and this week was their attempt to unite everyone (local US team and the international team) to have strategic discussions. Lila was genuinely thrilled about hearing their ideas and challenges, anticipating a collaborative effort to set the strategy for a steady and quick growth.

After concluding the last session, she requested the internal team to stay a bit longer as she needed to discuss a few matters. Her intention was to provide feedback on their behavior during the sessions. Leading up to this event, they held several meetings to outline the expectations, ensuring everyone was aligned. Despite their prior discussions stressing the importance of allowing the international people partners to express their ideas, the internal team, known for overpowering, failed to give them the necessary space. 

The first day's session was chaotic, with the local team members speaking over the international people, interrupting, and subtly dismissing their ideas. While not overtly aggressive, these actions had distinct impacts: the Japanese partners withdrew, the Latino partners diplomatically agreed, and the Dutch counterparts were visibly upset by the shameless interruptions.

Lila’s frustration reached its peak, and she couldn't shake off the deep disappointment in her local peers' performance. Despite her initial intention to delay the feedback due to her intense emotions, her actions prevailed over her thoughts.

"Thank you all for the insightful discussions today. This marked a significant initial step in defining our strategy. To the local team, could you kindly stay back for a brief moment? Have a wonderful evening everyone!" she says calmly.

As people gather their belongings and exit, she makes a conscious effort to regain composure. The magnitude of her disappointment fuels intense emotions, urging her to address the situation. Her heart races, breaths become shallow, and her mouth feels dry. Internally, she talks to herself: “Let them leave; deal with this tomorrow morning.” Yet, the internal struggle persists—the angel whispers, “You're exhausted; hydrate, rest. Tomorrow is a new day.” Simultaneously, the devil asserts, “No calming down; your anger needs fuel. You know precisely what to say, and it needs to be said now.”

A few breaths in…

The local team—comprising 10 individuals (8 White American males, 1 Irish woman, and 1 American woman)—awaits her words. The day's exhaustive series of presentations and strategic discussions weighed heavily on everyone. Gathered in a circle, she addressed them sternly, "How many times must I emphasize that this event is our chance to understand our partners' struggles and solutions? We want their active participation, engagement in discussions. But how can they engage when you don't allow them?" It's a rhetorical question; she doesn't grant them time to respond. "Your opinions are valid but not now. Your role was to facilitate, not take control. We've had numerous meetings outlining how we should interact and make the most of these days together. You practically handed them solutions to problems you assumed they had, without truly hearing their concerns. You didn't give them space to talk. How invested do you think they are in a strategy you set without their input? They weren't part of the solution; you simply told them what to do. How motivated can they be when their voices are ignored?"

In the heat of the moment, Lila was so captivated in the emotions that it took a while for her to register their reaction. They stood there in complete silence, their faces reflecting perplexity. It struck her that while her words might have held some truth, the way she delivered them had stirred something within the team, something she hadn't witnessed before. It's probably best to set it aside for now. As they all departed, they agreed to resume the conversation the next day.

While Lila was packing to leave, one of her female peers approached her: “Are you ok? You were yelling, your eyes popping out and your face is as red as your shirt” -  she commented in a way that Lila felt judged and didn’t feel any support from her. She had been sitting in the same room when the conversation happened. 

“How do you think I'm holding up?" Lila replied with little patience for this conversation. Continuing, she added, "They completely dominated the conversations today, and we didn't get close to achieving what we needed."

Lila's six months of pregnancy was weighing heavily on her, urging the need for rest. Swollen feet and the constant movement of the baby left them both exhausted and craving for a warm bath and bed. The day had been stressful and draining. "I have to go," she barked, heading towards the door. As Lila made her way out, her colleague remarked, "Your hormones must be all over the place because your attitude wasn't good." Without looking back, she practically sprinted to her room, seeking comfort in her crying”.

Let's talk about this:

What calls your attention about this situation? There are two main points: Lila’s communication skills and a pint of lack of sisterhood from her female colleague.

Effective Communication

Communication is a complex skill to master, let alone excel at. There are the words we say and also the non-verbal aspects of communication, such as gesture, tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, and eye contact. Whether you realize it or not, you speak volumes every day without saying anything at all. In the case of Lila’s delivery, she had some valid feedback to deliver to the team. “WHAT” she needed to say was important and necessary, but the “HOW” she said was inappropriate. She failed in paying attention to the non-verbal cues. This is a very common mistake when the atmosphere is tense and emotions are running high. Let’s highlight Lila’s opportunities:

• Voice in high volume and serious tone (“addressed them sternly”, “you were yelling”)

• No pause for team to respond (“rhetorical questions”)

• Facial expressions and gesture showed frustration and anger ( “eyes popped”, “red face”)

Communication skills and body language vary across cultures. While Lila (a Mexican) attempted to be mindful about cultural differences during the sessions by making sure the local team didn’t overpowered the international visitors, she wasn’t able to adapt her own communication to the US culture she was immersed in, by keeping her cool and being objective about what the feedback she had for the team. Her behavior and attitude was seen by her US team as too emotional and aggressive.  

Everyone can benefit from a better understanding of non verbal communications. In your next conversation that becomes heated try to pay attention to your own and the other’s tone of voice, facial expressions, posture and gesture. Maybe being more intentional about looking for those non-verbal cues may direct you to a more fruitful discussion and better outcome. 

Sisterhood

Sisterhood in the workplace shows up when women colleagues have supportive and collaborative relationships. These connections can foster a positive and empowering work environment. Lila’s colleague fell short in providing support. As someone that had observed how the day was unveiled she could have provided guidance to Lila on how to address the team. Or simply be a source of understanding and empathy. Pointing out Lila’s pregnancy in a negative connotation (“hormones all over the place”) was rude and created an unsafe space not only to Lila but to any other women that could have heard the comment. Are you ready to help, guide and support the women colleagues in your workplace? Do you see your colleagues being supportive of you during challenging times? What about in your personal life? Are you there for your loved ones? 

How excellence looks like:

• We are effective communicators when we are intentional in paying attention to all of aspects of our communication skills (verbal and non-verbal)

• It is important what you say, and even more important how you say it

• There are different expectations on how effective communication looks like in different cultures (more to come in future posts) 

• Sisterhood is essential for women to feel safe, supported and empowered in all aspects of our lives, including the workplace.

Food for Thought:

• Can you think of a time when you failed to regulate your non-verbal communication? What was the outcome? 

• What ONE thing can you improve in your communication that will make you a more effective communicator?

• Your tone of voice and word choice have the power to determine whether you are being humble or arrogant, nice or sarcastic, caring or ironic. Can you think of a situation when you intended to say something and people misinterpreted what you said? If so, try to think back on HOW you said it. 

Call for action:

• In your very next conversation, commit yourself to active listening, empathy and awareness of your own non-verbal signals to enhance communication and build more meaningful relationships.

Resources:

Magic Word - Jonah Berger talks about how some words can increase your impact in every area of your life. 

Ted Talks - in this book, the CEO of TED talks gives precious tips on how to communicate well on stage (learnings that can be transferred to interpersonal communications as well)

Mulheres não são chatas, mulheres estão exaustas - when you read this book is like you are talking to a girlfriend, stories and situations that you can relate and learn from