Me, the decorative vase!

"Sit tight, here comes the story"​​

This is a very personal story. And it won’t be told under Lila’s disguise. I will tell you using my own voice. As a Latina woman living and working in the United States, I am so used to experiencing tiny microaggressions, such as when men demonstrate surprise about an achievement I had or ironically say “I love your passion”. I am usually ready to combat them. But today something happened to me that made me freeze and be actionless. Because it came from not one but two Brazilian women.

We need to get the Brazilian birth certificate and Brazilian passport for Mateo, my youngest. It is a process that we’ve been delaying because it requires a lot of documentation and a trip to San Francisco to the consulate. After all the headache that I personally went through to get an appointment, we are finally there to sort this out.

When we are called to the window to first solve the birth certificate, a very polite and nice woman starts the process, and it is not over 2 minutes into the conversation when she starts to refer to my husband only. Even though I was the one applying for the birth certificate (with my name on it), she says that she will need his signature only since he is the applicant. What?? I was the applicant. Anyways, my husband does what needs to be done and we sit back in the main area to wait for the passport processing next.

“Did you see what I saw?” I asked my husband.

“Yes. That was weird!” he said.

Weird? More than weird, it was disrespectful. But I couldn’t get into a discussion there, we still need to get to talk to someone else about the passport.

"Needless to say, the same experience: a nice woman who totally disregarded my presence. I honestly felt like a decorative vase or a support dog. Well, more like a vase. It is there, nobody looks at it. The support dog, at least, people look at tenderly."

Let's talk about this:

After our visit, my husband and I talked about it. He acknowledged that it was an awkward situation but he believes that they were just following protocol. And that comment made me even more uncomfortable. This is the type of thing that is systemic. The bias against women is ingrained in society. Both parents were present, why the “main parent”, the one that signed everything needed to be the father? Was the mom less important? Unfortunately there are assumptions in society that are prescribed to women (in this case, the man is more capable of resolving bureaucratic stuff).

Those women were victims of unconscious bias. Unconscious bias refers to attitudes or stereotypes that affect our understanding, actions, and decisions in an unconscious manner. These biases can influence how we perceive and interact with others, often leading to unintentional discrimination or unfair treatment based on characteristics such as race, gender, age, or ethnicity.

I was disappointed with the whole situation and even more sad about my own attitude. I did nothing. I didn’t challenge the bias that those women had about having a “man” in charge. I didn’t hold the women accountable for the actions they were displaying. I just sat there in my “decorative” position and “supported my husband” who was in charge of everything because another woman said so.

That felt weird, disappointing and sad. How many times have you felt that way? What makes everything even sadder to me is the lack of sisterhood. It was women who made me feel this way.

We need to see through the assumptions of the prescribed rules that society has for women. We can’t hold ourselves by society standards on who deserves what.

Let’s not wait for the next situation to happen. Let’s be courageous to raise our hands and advocate for ourselves!

How excellence looks like:

• Environments where people are ready to challenge and interrupt bias in ourselves and others.
• When we interrupt bias, we all grow, progress and model inclusive behaviors.
• Courage is a critical element of good inclusive human interactions.

Food for Thought:

• What happens when you fail to interrupt bias?
• What are the implications for you, your family, your team, your community?

Call to action:

• Have a conversation with your guy-friends, colleagues or partners about unconscious bias against women. What do they think about it?
• Take some time to reflect on Maya Angelou's beautiful quote: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel".

Resources:

Project Implicit - Harvard Test - Spoiler Alert: get ready to find out some ugly things about yourself. We have more bias that we are aware of, unfortunately. 
Unconscious Bias - Verna Meyers - TED Talk - pay attention to the female pilot story. Interesting how our bias is so implicit that only come out during stressful situations
Lessons in Chemistry - Book and TV Series (Apple TV) - it is beautiful and at the same time sad to see how much the main character has to fight to have her place in society.