Boys' Club

"Sit tight, here comes the story"

“Lila, be careful about what you say. Today in the event you were a bit aggressive calling us out as we were part of the boys club”.

Earlier today, Lila's colleague shared feedback about their team building activity—an immersive cooking class. This global event brought together individuals from diverse corners of the world. Recognizing food as a universal connector, Lila, as the event organizer, envisioned a delightful cooking experience to foster connections. Participants were guided to form smaller teams, encouraging collaboration as they cooked together, sipped wine, and took the opportunity to get better acquainted.

Once the teams were formed, Lila strolled through the room, ensuring a balanced mix between members of her internal team and the external team (partners). With the primary goal of fostering better connections, participants were encouraged to break the ice by introducing themselves to unfamiliar faces and embarking on the culinary journey together.

To Lila's surprise, the six white American males had formed their own team. At that moment, she remarked that the "Boys Club" seemed to persist, urging them to engage with a more diverse mix of participants. She could sense their discomfort with her comment, and her internal voice screamed at her: "Who are you to call them out?"

Upon receiving feedback from her colleague, she immediately recognized the incident. For a moment, self-doubt crept in, making her question the appropriateness of her actions. However, acknowledging the importance of being receptive to feedback, she promptly apologized to him: “I am sorry, I just want to clarify that my intention was not to be aggressive or make you uncomfortable”.

Let's talk about this:

How many of us have experienced similar situations in the workplace? What would you do if this happened to you? Am I proud of Lila's behavior calling out her peers at the cooking class? Heck, yes! Am I proud of her response to the feedback? Hell, no!

Women sometimes behave in ways that violate gender norms. And she had done just that. As a woman, we are supposed to be kind, nurturing, helpful, and supportive. However, her attitude of being decisive (insisting they mingle), assertive (honestly urging them to break the boys' club and meet others), and strong (having the courage to call them out) put her in violation of what is expected of a woman. She wasn’t being merely competent (ensuring everyone adhered to the guidelines of the activity), she was being perceived as aggressive.

When I put myself on Lila's shoes, I think that I personally know how to be aggressive; I'm no saint! However, my years in the corporate world have taught me that aggression can be perceived in various ways and levels, depending on the situation and the person you are interacting with. Several factors can contribute to misunderstanding and the potential display of aggression when communicating, such as: cultural differences, word choices and non verbal communication (facial expressions, gesture, and tone of voice).

All of this underscores the fact that anyone can be perceived as aggressive if one slips on any of the mentioned topics, whether a "she," a "he," or a "they." Unfortunately, female leaders tend to face harsher judgment. Perhaps that's what happened the day Lila's colleague gave her feedback about being aggressive when she challenged the "boys club". She faced scrutiny for daring to challenge the status quo and advocating for a more diverse and inclusive group. 

She deliberately used the term "boys' club" to accurately describe the scenario—a group of six white males together. While her tone of voice may have conveyed frustration at the moment, her emotions were contained, as true expression would probably have involved physically moving each one of them to a more diverse group. Rest assured, she did not do this.

What we can observe when looking at the situation Lila went thru, is that her Imposter Syndrome and insecurity were at full speed when she got the feedback.  Doubt creeps in when we challenge the norm. Yet, in those moments of uncertainty, it's worth remembering: questioning, pushing, and even doubting oneself can be the very essence of breaking barriers and forging new paths. I suppose feeling like an imposter often comes when you're breaking new ground.

When women will be seen as a smart, compassionate and effective leader and not emotional, fluffy and aggressive?

Exploring and sharing stories like this one can hopefully empower young women on their professional journey and encourage men to develop self-awareness of their privilege.

How excellence looks like:

• We, both female and male, speak up when we encounter inadequacies in the workplace, promoting environments that are not only diverse but truly inclusive.
• We take a moment to slow down and reflect on what happened, correcting mistakes, and considering how our behaviors impact our teams, peers, and colleagues.
• All leaders are universally seen as decisive, competent, assertive, inclusive and strong. These descriptors should apply to any effective leader, irrespective of their gender, race, or sexual orientation.

Food for Thought:

• What feelings emerge when you read this story? Have you had a reaction similar to Lila's? What lessons can you take from Lila's situation? 
• When was the last time you felt you were assertive expressing yourself?
• What can you do in your workplace to plant a seed of equality?

Call for action:

• If you are a mom, talk to your son (s) about the concept of a boys' club and see how he reacts - that will be a moment for educating him on the consequences of this type of behavior
• If you are a leader, actively involve women in decision-making processes and ensure women representation at all levels (not only entry-level positions)
• If you are a woman, provide mentorship opportunities for other women

Resources:

• Lean In - Sheryl Sandberg - there is no better book to talk about women conquering the workplace and how we should ALWAYS have a seat at the table.
• Mad Men - TV Series - the series happens in the 60s and it makes you think how sad it is that some of the behaviors you see in the series are present nowadays.

• Griselda- TV Series - there is boys' club in every industry (specially in drug traffic)